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HISTORY 



OF A 



ZOOLOGICAL 



TEMPEEANCE CONVENTION. 



HELD IN CENTRAL AFRICA IN 1847. 



BY EDWARD HITCHCOCK, D.D., LL.D. 

PRESIDENT OF AMHERST COLLEGE. 






/. No,i.5t2r 



Ridentem dicere verum, XJ"'- 
Quid vetal ? HoracL"^ — .^-i.— ^•^- 



northampton: 
PUBLISHED BY BUTLER & BRIDGMAN. 

1850. 






V 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1849, by 

BUTLER & BRIDGMAN, 
in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the District of 

Massachusetts. 



/^-~3W^S- 



E. B. MEARS, STEREOTYPER. 



TO JOHN TAPPAN, Esq. 

THE EARLY, LONG-TRIED, CONSISTENT, AND EFFICIENT FRIEND 
AND PATRON OF TEMPERANCE, THIS HUMBLE EFFORT TO 
MAKE TRUTH MORE ATTRACTIVE, BY CLOTHING IT 
IN AN ALLEGORICAL DRESS, IS MOST RESPECT- 
FULLY DEDICATED, BY HIS MUCH INDEBTED 
FRIEND AND ADMIRER, 

THE AUTHOR. 



PREFATORY. 



This Fable was originally prepared for delivery at 
Temperance Meetings and Celebrations, and was tbus 
used on several occasions in Massaclinsetts. It is now 
published with the addition of many new facts, derived 
from a further study of the original documents^ in the 
hope that this allegorical mode of exhibiting Temper- 
ance and some other important subjects, may excite 
more interest than a method more didactic. At least 
the story may afford innocent amusement for a leisure 
hour. 

I consider myself fortunate in having secured 
the aid of Mr. Richard L. Hinsdale, of Worcester, to 
prepare the illustrations of this work. This young 
artist has entered fully into the spirit of the subject, 

(7) 



VIU PKEFATORY. 

and produced a series of drawings that will add very 
much to the interest of this production, and they seem 
to me to evince talents for this department of the arts 
deserving of patronage. These designs will repay a care- 
ful study, which will discover much, — ^unobserved at 
first, — ^in the expression, attitudes, and grouping of the 
animals, that is appropriate, humorous, and illustrative 
of the sentiments of the several speeches. 

£1. M« 
Amherst College, November 1, 1849. 



CONTENTS. 



THE CONVENTION CALLED . . . Page 14 

THE CONVENTION ORGANIZED . . . 16 

THE QUESTION OF LADIES^ RIGHTS . . 18 

THE DUEL . . . . . . . 21 

THE BUSINESS OF THE CONVENTION OPENED BY 

THE ORANG OUTANG . . . . 22 

A COMMITTEE TO TRY THE WINE . . 28 

SPEECHES OP THE FOX AND ORANG OUTANG 31 

THE ZEBRA^S SPEECH . . . . . 33 

THE WINE COMMITTEE REPORTS ... 36 

THE TAME ELEPHANT's SPEECH ... 40 

THE CHALLENGE TO PERSONAL COMBAT . 44 

THE SPRINKLING WITH OTTO OF ROSES . 48 

THE SHOWER BATH . . . . . 51 



CONTENTS. 



THE bear's speech . . . . 53 

SPEECHES BY THE COW, THE SWINE, AND THE DOG, 
FROM NEW YORK . 

THE OX RESPONDS 

THE HORSE GIVES TESTIMONY 

THE CAMEL TESTIFIES . 

THE OHIO SWINE. 

THE STRANGE VOICE . 

THE VINEGAR-EEL ADDRESSES : 

THE WOLVES IN SHEEP's CLOTHING 

THE SENTENCE — '' SKIN FOR SKIN.^ 

THE alligator's SPEECH AGAINST CAPITAL PUN- 
ISHMENT, AND IN FAVOR OF MORAL SUASION 75 

REPLY TO THE ALLIGATOR'S SPEECH, BY AN AME- 
RICAN DEER . . . . . . 76 



• • • 


55 


• • • 


61 


• • • 


61 


• • • 


62 


• • • 


64 


• • • 


66 


E ASSEMBLY 


68 


sTG 


70 


yy 

• • • 


74 



THE LEAN HORSE S SPEECH . 

THE BUFFALO OBJECTS . . 

THE GREAT OWL CHEERS THE CONVENTION BY 

REMARKS . . . . . 

THE HORSE FROM THE WASHINGTON RACES 
A CROW ADDRESSES THE CONVENTION . 
THE WILD TURKEY MOUNTS THE ROSTRUM 
WASHINGTONIANS AND COLD-WATER ARMIES 
MOUNT HOLYOEIE FEMALE SEMINARY . 
THE GOLDEN EAGLE FROM IRELAND . 
THE PARROT ADDRESSES THE ASSEMBLY 



HIS 



78 
79 

81 
84 
87 
88 
90 
91 
93 
95 



CONTENTS. XX 

PROPOSAL TO INTRODUCE TOBACCO AMONG ANIMALS. 

SPEECH OF THE LONG-ARMED APE . . 98 

THE APE INTRODUCES THE DANDY . . 101 

THE DANDY AND THE APE SMOKE DAINTILY. THE 

CONFLAGRATION . . . . . 102 

THE ATTORNEY-GENERAL^ S OPINION . . 105 

THE DANDY SPEAKS . ... 106 

THE APE ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK . . . 108 

PROPOSAL TO RAISE A STANDING ARMY. SPEECH 

OF THE PROBOSCIS MONKEY . . . 112 

THE POLAR BEAR INTERRUPTS THE MONKEY 114 

SPEECH OF THE AFRICAN ANT . . . 116 

THE MILITARY PARADE . . . . 123 

THE RUFESCENT ANT PROPOSES TO INTRODUCE 

AND EXTEND SLAVERY . . . . 124 

SPEECH OF THE GREAT ANT-EATER . . 136 

PONS ET ORIGO MALI . . . . .138 

THE ASS PROPOSES TO INTRODUCE HONORARY 

TITLES AMONG ANIMALS . . . 141 

BULLETIN CONFERRING CIVIL, MILITARY, AND 

LITERARY HONORS . . . . 143 
THE LEOPARD REPORTS RESOLUTIONS . . 146 
THE RESOLUTIONS DISCUSSED . . . 148 
THE HOG OPPOSES THE PLEDGE . . . 148 
THE ORANG OUTANG CANNOT PLEDGE HIMSELF 149 
THE CAT REFUSES 150 



XU CONTENTS. 

THE MULE WILL NOT SIGN AWAY HIS LIBERTY 151 
THE COW EROM NEW YORK RECANTS; AND OF- 
FERS TO TAKE THE PLEDGE . . . 151 
THE BEAR FROM SUMATRA DESCRIBES HIS INTEM- 
PERATE HABITS . . . . .152 
THE TAME ELEPHANT PLEADS POOR HEALTH AND 

THE physician's PRESCRIPTION . . 154 

THE goat's PRESCRIPTION .... 156 
THE DOG BRINGS THE MATTER TO A CLOSE . 156 



HISTORY 



OP A 



ZOOLOGICAL TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 



Having been led by my daily pursuits for the last 
twenty or thirty years, to study the history, the habits, 
and the language of animals below man, it need not be 
thought strange that I should lay claim to some dis- 
coveries. I hope, at least, that my readers will not 
suspect me of stating anything contrary to the truth, 
when I proceed to give an account of some very curi- 
ous documents that have fallen into my hands in the 
course of my studies among the animals. Although 
their language be inarticulate (that is, without joints,^ 
it would be strange if, among modern improvements, 
they should not have found out how to register it. Now 
I must be a very dull scholar, if in twenty-five years I 
have not learned how to translate the hieroglyphic 
records of animals into my vernacular tongue. But 



14 HISTORY or A ZOOLOGICAL 

without furtlier preface or apology I proceed to give a 
summary account of the documents which have fallen 
into my hands. 

THE CONVENTION CALLED. 

My readers know that the Lion is the king of ani- 
mals; not because he is the largest^ but on account of 
his great strength^ indomitable courage^ and digni- 
fied manners^ which enable him to conquer all other 
animals. Now by a law of the animal kingdom, when- 
ever any of the subjects of the Lion desire to have a 
meeting or convention of the animals, they must send a 
petition to that effect to King Leo. Not long since his 
Majesty received the following : — 

To His Majesty King Leo, 

at Ms palace in Central Africa. 

The undersigned, your Majesty's most dutiful sub- 
jects, beg leave to represent, that for a long course of 
years, they have lived among that remarkable race of 
animals called Man, by whom they have been taught 
the use of many new substances, and the practice of 
many new arts and modes of living, which, if intro- 
duced among other animals, must greatly promote their 
prosperity and happiness. 

They, therefore, humbly pray, that a World's Con- 
vention, embracing all animals except Man, may be 



. } 

ica. ) 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 15 

called^ that they may make known these discoveries, 
and that the subject of their general introduction may 
be discussed. 

^ The Elephant, 
Signed by < The Ourang Outang, and 
( The Cow. 

This petition was successful; and his Majesty's 
ministers, the Tiger, the GiraflPe, and the Rhinoceros, 
issued their mandate under the broad seal of the 
Empire, for the meeting of the Convention in the year 
570,870 of the kingdom, corresponding to the year 
5847 of Man's creation. The place of meeting was 
chosen on the bank of Lake Dibbie, which is an expan- 
sion of the river Niger, in Central Africa, and there- 
fore accessible to the various animals in the oceans and 
rivers, and is also far removed from the approach of 
Man. The fitting up of the place of meeting was a 
work of great labor and difficulty ; but was executed 
with great skill and good taste, by the Elephant, the 
Camel, the Ostrich, the Crocodile, and the Shark, who 
were the committee of arrangements. It was neces- 
sary that the spot should be chosen on the banks of 
the lake, where the water was deep enough to allow 
the largest monsters of the ocean to come within speak- 
ing distance. Lofty trees also must overshadow it, to 
afford a proper resting-place for the representatives of 



16 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

the feathered tribes. Holes likewise must be dug for 
those animals that burrow, and various other accom- 
modations provided, to suit the habits and constitution 
of varieties from every climate and every element. 
As no G-eneral Convention of animals had taken place 
since the long one held in the Ark of Noah, it was 
feared that the art of providing for them had been lost, 
and that great suffering would be the result. But to 
the honor of the commissioners, who had charge of the 
business, not a life was lost, on this account, nor much 
complaint made. The greatest difficulty lay in pro- 
viding food; for, as many of the animals were carni- 
vorous, it was feared that such, in their hunger, might 
make a meal of some of their fellow representatives. 
But the difficulty was got over by directing in the 
general orders, that each member should bring along 
with him his own provisions. 

THE CONVENTION OROANIZEB. 

The organization of the Convention occupied much 
time and occasioned much trouble. The question was 
started by the secretaries, consisting of the Chimpanze, 
from Africa, the Kangaroo, from New Holland, and 
the G-rizzly Bear, from North America, whether they 
should record the common names of the animals, or 
their Latin names, and which of these should be used 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 17 

in the Convention. This called forth a lively discus- 
sion among the more literary members. Among these 
was a Goat from Mount Parnassus, who declared that he 
had often drank from the Castalian fountain ; likewise 
a Tarantula from Italy, who said he could prove that 
one of his ancestors had the honor of biting Virgil, 
and an Owl from Babylon, who asserted that his pro- 
genitors had often hooted from the tower of Babel. 

Among the speakers was an albino Bat, who an- 
nounced himself from Amherst College in America 
He said that his hair had grown gray, and even white, 
by his long watchings in the walls of the recitation 
rooms of that institution, listening with true classical 
gusto to the brilliant rehearsals of Latin and G-reek by 
the students ; and in the walls of their private rooms 
while they slept; for he had found that they were often 
in a somnambulic state, and in such a case they always 
talked in Latin or Greek, and much more accurately, 
as he thought, than in the recitation room. These 
languages, therefore, had become familiar to him, and if 
justice had been done to him, he should long since have 
received a degree. But if that Convention refused to 
use the classical or Latin names of the animals, he never 
could again hold up his head before the members of 
that learned institution. If any one of the Convention 

should address him by the mere title of Mr. Bat, he 

2 



18 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

should take no notice of it^ unless it was to challenge 
that member to a personal combat for the insult. His 
age, his gray hairs, and his learning, entitled him to 
the more euphonical and grandiloquent title of Domi- 
nus Mus JRattus alhus. 

Much to the credit of the classical taste and scientific 
knowledge of the Convention, this debate terminated 
in a resolution to use the Latin names of the members 
on the records and in the debate. It may be proper 
to add, that soon after the return of Mus Rattus to 
America, he died before there was time to give him a 
diploma, probably from his great exertions in the 
Convention, where he fought like a hero against intoxi- 
cating substances. And yet (Tiorresco refer ens /) we 
embalmed him in alcohol; and in the Zoological Mu- 
seum of Amherst College, he still remains to testify to 
the veracity of this history. 

THE QUESTION OF LADIES^ RIGHTS. 

Another question, which had well nigh broken up 
the Convention, was, whether female animals had a 
right to sit, and speak, and vote, as members of the 
body. Many of these had come up to the meeting, 
some, to accompany their mates, some, out of an idle 
curiosity, and some, because they took a deep interest in 
the subject, and supposed they should be admitted to 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 19 

speak and act upon it. The Cow, especially, thought 
it a very hard case, that her right to a seat should be 
disputed, after she had signed the petition which resulted 
in the calling of the Convention. It was well known, 
also, that by an almost unheard-of act of oppression 
and cruelty, the Bos Taurus, or Ox, her natural mate, 
had everywhere been separated from the Cow, so that she 
was left to shift for herself, and if she did not vindi- 
cate her own rights there was no one who would do it. 
The males of several other animals that had been 
enslaved by man stood up and gallantly defended the 
rights of the ladies, and stated that such had been the 
cruelty of man in destroying the males, that in fact 
the females had become their rulers in the domestic 
circle ; and they testified, moreover, that their sway was 
very gentle, and that it would be most ungallant, and 
an eternal disgrace to that Convention, to deprive them 
of the right of speaking. In short, they declared that 
a large number of animals had resolved to withdraw 
from the Convention in disgust, should such an act 
pass. On the other side, several of the wild animals 
replied with great severity, that the evils complained 
of by the domestic animals were all the result of their 
disgraceful submission to the oppression of man ; that 
in a state of nature no female ever ruled over her mate, 
but was always in subjection; that it was her business 



20 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

to attend to domestic duties, and not to interfere with 
great public concerns ; and that they never would sub- 
mit to have the example set before their own mates, 
who had attended them hither, of seeing females so 
out of their place as to make speeches there, and thus 
come upon a level with themselves. The contest on 
this question became more and more violent, and per- 
sonal crimination and recrimination took the place of 
argument ; so much so, that it seemed almost certain 
that the speakers must have been familiar with the 
proceedings of the American Congress. The excite- 
ment, however, was calmed in a very unexpected man- 
ner, and almost entire harmony restored. 

In the midst of the uproar a Turtle-dove and its 
mate, a bird well known for its gentleness and connu- 
bial fidelity, were seen to alight upon the rock behind 
which sat the Lion, and around which sat the Secre- 
taries. So manifest a breach of order drew forth from 
a Panther, who had been appointed one of the con- 
stables, so loud a yell, that it produced an entire still- 
ness through the assembly. The male Turtle-dove 
seized the favorable moment to introduce the following 
resolutions, which unexpectedly harmonized the con- 
flicting views of the members, and passed almost by 
acclamation : — 

Resolved : That those ladies who are present without 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 21 

mates, not through any fault of their own, have h'berty 
to sit, speak, and act in this Convention, and to vindi- 
cate the rights of females. 

Resolved: That each married lady present be ex- 
pected to take her seat by the side of her husband, 
and that her chief business and duty shall be to keep 
him in order. 

As the Convention was about to proceed to busi- 
ness, it was again disturbed by the constables dragging 
into the assembly, with great growling and screaming, 
a Wolf and a Hyaena, all covered with blood and dust. 
It appeared that during the discussion about ladies^ 
rights, something was said by the Wolf, which the 
Hyaena thought was intended for a reflection upon his 
lady. He immediately passed a challenge to a personal 
combat ; and forthwith they ran, with their seconds, 
the Lynx and the Alligator, into an adjoining field, 
and commenced biting and tearing each other, but the 
constables had hold of them before either obtained the 
victory. A motion was immediately made and carried, 
to refer their case to the decision of King Leo. His 
Majesty, observing that in the combat the Wolf had 
lost his tail, and the Hyaena his ears, immediately de- 
creed that the tails and ears of both should be cropped 
close, and they be expelled from the Convention. The 
Shark was appointed executioner, and immediately, and 



22 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

with great relish performed the sentence. They were 
led forth from the assembly, followed by their weeping 
mates. This touching sight drew tears from the eyes 
of the Crocodile ; and his cousin, the Alligator, was so 
much excited by his feelings, as to say, that if the 
laws of honor had been as well understood by that 
Convention as in the country from which he came, 
especially in the American Congress, so severe a judg- 
ment would not have been passed; and he felt con- 
strained by a regard to his friends who had just departed, 
to propose two resolutions, which he thought the Con- 
vention ought to pass : — 

1. Resolved: that the honor of the Hyaena^ s lady 
stands fully vindicated. 

2. Resolved.: that our departed friends have fully 
vindicated their own honor, and shown that they belong 
to a genuine race of Wolves and Hyaenas. 

The resolutions were instantly rejected, and King 
Leo took no notice of this impudent speech, except to 
order proclamation to be made, that it was a fixed law 
of the Empire, that whoever engages either as principal 
or second in a duel, shall lose both his ears and his tail. 

THE BUSINESS OF THE CONVENTION OPENED 
BY THE ORANG OUTANG. 

The regular business of the Convention was at length 
commenced by a speech from the Orang Outang. He 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 



23 




said the Convention had a right to a more definite 
statement as to the object of the meeting from those 
who originally proposed it, of whom he was one. 

When first he was kidnapped and carried away from 
his native country by man, he felt the strongest aver- 
sion to everything human. But after experiencing 
the kindest treatment for a long time from man, his 
prejudices began to subside, and almost every day made 
him acquainted with some new article of food or drink, 
or some custom among men, that showed him the vast 
superiority of the human race over all the other animals. 



24 HISTORY or A ZOOLOGICAL 

Nothingj however, appeared to him so wonderful, or 
did so much to reconcile him to his condition, as the 
use of a drink called Alcohol, which man had in- 
vented.* 

* To show that the intimations made in several places in 
this work, that some of the lower animals become attached 
to alcohol and intoxicated by it, we quote the following 
examples from a work of undoubted authority, entitled 
*' Desultory Notes on the origin, &c., of Ardent Spirits; By 
a Physician, Philadelphia, 1834." 

*' Some of the tame elephants are very fond of brandy 
and wine." Bishop Heber remarks, that " elephants in India 
are fed on stimulating substances to make them furious when 
they train them for fighting." 

Marco Polo relates of the Africans of the island of Zan- 
zibar, and its neighborhood, that "they have no horses, but 
fight upon elephants and camels. Previously to the combats 
they give draughts of wine (made from rice and sugar) to 
the elephants." 

Bang (an intoxicating narcotic plant) is said to be some- 
times given to the elephants in India for the purpose of 
rendering them furious and insensible to danger. 

Sir Stamford Bafles, when living in Sumatra, had a bear 
(Ursus malaganus) tamed and brought up in the nursery 
with his children. ''When admitted to my table," says he, 
*' as was frequently the case, he gave proof of his taste by 
refusing to eat any fruit but mangosteens, or to drink any 
wine but champagne. The only time I ever knew him to be 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 25 

It went by various names, as Rum, Brandy, Whiskey, 
Wine, Ale, Cider, &c., &c., according as it was mixed 
with various other things. But they were all nearly 
equally good ; and it was the Alcohol that gave them 

out of humour, was on an occasion when no champagne was 
forthcoming." 

Horses have been learned to drink ale ; and some sports- 
men in England give a favorite hunter the refreshment of a 
bottle of wine after a severe chase — '' The pernicious effects 
of spirits upon horses have been very accurately ascertained 
by the experiments of Pelger, and indeed, they proved as 
injurious as various poisons tried at the same time." (Bed- 
does.) Dr. Fleming remarks that malt is esteemed a very 
fattening food for fish in ponds, and the crumbs of bread 
steeped in ale. It is mentioned in " a short account of tho 
manner in which game cocks are bred up and trained for 
fighting, by an experienced feeder, that brandy, or any 
heating drug on the day of fighting, does more harm than 
good. They may get, however, just before they set to, a few 
barley corns, with a little real Sherry wine." Another 
writer says, " after game cocks are weighed for fighting, 
sometimes they give a little ale." We have understood from 
a gentleman who witnessed the fact, and is entitled to per- 
fect confidence, that bats have become intoxicated by drink- 
ing whiskey, which was exposed in shallow vessels to tempt 
them. Bees, wasps, and flies, often become much intoxicated 
about the distilleries, being attracted by the sugar which 
abounds there. 



26 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

their value and attraction. He formerly was very 
much attached to water; but he soon found that this 
had become insipid, nay, absolutely injurious to his 
stomach, without a mixture of this most delightful fluid. 
They could form no conception of the almost miraculous 
effects of this drink upon the mind and the body. It 
would cure nearly every disease, and banish all the 
cares of life. He here quoted a passage from an 
ancient human writer, which, although quaint, very 
exactly describes the effect of alcohol upon the system. 
^^Itsloweth age,^^ says he, ^^it strengtheneth youth, 
it helpeth digestion, it cutteth phlegm, it abandoneth 
melancholic, it relisheth the heart, it lighteneth the 
mind, it quickeneth the spirit, it cureth the hydropsia, 
it healeth the strangury, it pounceth the stone, it 
expelleth gravel, it puffeth away ventositie, it keepeth 
and preserveth the head from whirling, the eyes from 
dazzling, the tongue from lisping, the mouth from 
snaffling, the teeth from chattering, and the throat from 
rattling; it keepeth the weasan from stifling, the sto- 
mach from wombling, and the heart from swelling; it 
keepeth the hands from shivering, the sinews from 
shrinking, the veins from crumbling, the bones from 
aching, and the marrow from soaking.^^ 

^^Now,^^ said Mr. Simia Satyrus, for that is the 
liatin name of the Orang, ^^ it is chiefly to urge upon 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 27 

all the animal tribes the introduction of this delicious 
beverage among them^ as a substitute for water, that 
we have petitioned for this Convention. We are sure, 
from our own experience, that it would double all the 
enjoyments, and divide the cares of life. Especially, 
would it promote social intercourse and refinement of 
manners, now so lamentably neglected among animals. 
I was carried to Holland in the same ship with Lord 
Vanderkemp, the Governor of Borneo, and I shall 
never forget the delightful convivial entertainments 
which I enjoyed at his table, where the choicest wine 
always ended the repast. My colleagues will, I doubt 
not, sustain me in these representations ; and could we 
but see this Convention resolving to introduce this 
Elixir Vitse among all the animal kingdom, we should 
feel as if we had been the greatest benefactors of our 
race. We should hope to see many other most valu- 
able articles of food and drink, and many of the arts 
of civilized life, following in the train ; and thus would 
the animal kingdom be rescued from that uncivilized 
and degraded state which has so often brought the blush 
of shame upon my cheeks. In conclusion, I will only 
remark, that I have brought with me a few bottles of 
the most choice wine, that, at least, the officers of this 
Convention may see how delicious it is, and how happy 
in its influence upon the mind.^' 



28 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAli 



A COMMITTEE TO TRY THE WINE. 

The Lion and his Secretaries not being so ignorant 
of the effect of alcoholic drinks as the Orang supposed, 
looked scowling upon one another, and with flashing 
eyes, as he uttered the last sentence of his speech. 
Nevertheless, they restrained their feelings, and suffered 
a vote to pass the Convention, proposed hj a simple 
Opossum, that a committee be appointed to make a 
trial of the wine and report to the meeting. The com- 
mittee consisted of a Baboon from Africa, a Glutton 
from Siberia, a Rattlesnake and Opossum from North 
America, and a swarm of Hornets from Europe. 

It would be amusing to follow this committee to the 
place where they met to try the wine, for it was a ludi- 
crous scene. But it is well shown in the accompanying 
drawing. You there see the Baboon, after having 
tasted of the bottle till he became quite silly, pouring 
a stream from it into the open mouths of the Glutton 
and Eattlesnake, while his other hand is extended, 
filled with wine, which the Opossum is lapping up, 
and the Hornets are sucking in. The result was, 
that in a few moments, the whole party were by 
the ears, except the Baboon, who had learned how 
much he could bear. He at length succeeded in keep- 






^^•>^ 

M^r ■" 



H 

O 

i 

I— 
H 
H 



2! 



K 



"2, 







TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 81 

ing them quiet enough to agree to go and make report 
to the Convention. 

SPEECHES OF THE FOX AND ORANG OUTANG. 

While deHvering his speech the Oranges head was 
bound up with a handkerchief, and he had frequently 
pressed his fore-feet against it^ as if in pain. A Fox^ 
with much pretended concern, rose and inquired what 
was the difficulty with the Orang, and whether he had 
been a long time ill, and whether such a thing as sick- 
ness was known among men, with such a sovereign 
remedy in their hands. He inquired further, whether 
alcohol would not ward off the stroke of death ? 

The Orang replied that he was much troubled with 
a headache from fatigue in coming to the Convention : a 
complaint to which he was very liable, in consequence 
of a cold and weak stomach, and great delicacy of the 
nervous system. But he assured the Convention that 
one or two glasses of wine never failed to cure entirely 
all these maladies in a most wonderful manner. While 
he slept at night, indeed, he could not take wine ; so 
that he almost always awoke in the morning with an 
aching head, a want of appetite, and trembling nerves. 
But one glass of the elixir vitse never failed to set 
everything right; and indeed, he had no doubt, but 
he should long ago have been in his grave, had he not 



32 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

been pointed to this admirable remedy. He would not 
deny that there was a good deal of sickness among men. 
Most of it, however, yielded to this potent remedy, if 
it was only applied often enough. And besides, there 
was a class among men, called physicians, unknown 
among animals, who possessed a most wonderful skill 
in the cure of diseases. 

Indeed, it was regarded as a great blessing to every 
family, if they could live in the immediate vicinity of 
a physician, that he might be called in season. And so 
great was the multiplication of this class, in consequence 
of the great demand for their services, that there were 
but few families who were not thus accommodated. 
^^Oh, how different,^^ said the Orang, with great pathos, 
" is the case among other animals ! If sick, they have 
nothing to do, but to lie down and die, alone and un- 
friended. One of the blessings which we anticipate 
will follow the introduction of alcoholic drinks among 
animals, is, that they will be the means of raising up 
among them a class of physicians to cure their sick- 
nesses, and thus take away in a great measure the fear 
of death. For, although men do sometimes die, in 
spite of medical skill, yet it is the almost unanimous 
opinion of physicians, that it is because their aid is not 
called in season.^' 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 



33 







THE ZEBEA'S SPEECH. 

The beautiful Zebra from Soutli Africa next obtained 

the floor, and his elegant appearance drew forth a loud 

greeting from all parts of the assembly. But such a 

strange noise did it make, when quadruped, bird, fish, 
3 



84 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAIj 

reptile^ et cseteri, et cseterij bellowed forth their admi- 
ration at the top of their yoiceS; that it frightened even 
a large part of the animals themselves ; and they be- 
gan to run to their retreats; when the roar of the 
Lion^ drowning every other sound^ brought them back^ 
and the Zebra proceeded. 

'' The gentleman who has just spoken/^ said the 
Zebra, ^^has talked as if all this Convention were igno- 
rant of the effects of alcoholic drinks upon man. But 
I assure him that some of us can tell him a great deal 
more on this subject than he seems to know. Like 
him, I too have been kidnapped, and carried half round 
the globe, in order to be exposed to the gaze of all 
classes of men. 

'' Like him, I have been tempted with wine and strong 
drink. Like him, also, I might have fallen into the 
snare, had I not seen enough of the effects of these drinks 
to make me abhor them, before they were brought within 
my reach. It was not so easy or so safe a matter, for 
those who kidnapped me to make me sit down at their 
table : for I determined never to become the slave of man, 
and to this day, no one of my race has ever given up 
his indomitable spirit, and I trust no one ever will. 

^^ But as I was shut up in my cage, I could see the 
effects of what was called brandy, wine, &c., at the 
dinner-table, even upon governors, and those who prided 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 35 

themselves upon being called gentlemen. It is true 
that for a time a most delightful exhilaration, increased 
sociability, and oblivion of care, were the result. And 
thus far Mr. Simla, who has just spoken, has fairly 
drawn the picture. But I do not wonder that he stop- 
ped here. For it so happened, though he may not 
remember it, that I was on board the same vessel with 
him, and the governor, and I used to witness the effects 
of alcohol almost every day at dinner upon the whole 
company : and I suspect that Mr. Simla could not draw 
the picture much farther : for boisterous and angry 
words soon succeeded ; swords were sometimes drawn, 
or fists put in requisition, and after a good deal of 
bruising and blood-letting, and tumbling over one an- 
other, most of the company found their places on the 
floor, to be dragged away by the servants. Probably 
the gentleman has forgotten that glorious day for him, 
when, after having had his ear bitten off (I leave it to 
the Convention to judge whether that is the reason he 
wears a handkerchief around his head), he was dragged 
out at one end of the cabin, and thrown into the hold 
of the ship, among the bilge-water, and the governor 
was carried out at the other end and thrown into his 
berth. I should presume that both the gentlemen would 
have been a little troubled with headache and weak 



36 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAIi 

nerves next morning, until a little more alcohol had set 
all to rights/' 

THE WINE COMMITTEE REPORTS. 

Here the Zebra was called to order for his personali- 
ties, and directed by the chair to confine himself to the 
question. As he was about proceeding with his re- 
marks, the meeting was thrown into confusion by the 
rushing in of several animals, with screeching and yell- 
ing ; and pouncing upon the members of the Conven- 
tion who were in the way, many desperate battles were 
fought. 

Among these animals was the Baboon, who led the 
way, followed by the Opossum, who tumbled into a 
slough with the Glutton, and they could not extricate 
themselves; next came the Rattlesnake, who glided 
nimbly from one animal to another, striking each with 
his fangs, and inflicting several fatal wounds ; and finally 
a swarm of Hornets darted in every direction, stinging 
every animal in their way, and producing the most 
ludicrous flouncing, kicking, and screaming imaginable, 
throughout the assembly. At length the Baboon, 
having crawled to the seat of his cousin Orang Outang, 
cried out, ^^ Mr. President, the committee are ready to 
report.'^ 

The Zebra immediately perceived that these were the 







THE WINE COMMITTEE REPORTING 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 39 

animals wlio had been appointed an hour before to try 
the virtues of the wine presented by the Orang, and 
raising his yoice^ as soon as the tumult had a little sub- 
sided, he cried out, ^' Grentlemen, I think the com- 
mittee have already reported, and they have given you 
a fine illustration of what would be the effect of alcoholic 
drinks were they introduced among animals. In North 
America^ where I was carried about a great deal, I have 
seen such scenes acted over among men a hundred 
times, at those places which they call Taverns, or 
houses of entertainment, where wa used always to spend 
our nights. Frequently we were kept awake all night by 
the singing, shouting, and fighting of a party of men, 
who were out upon what they call a spree. In such 
taverns they have a place called a bar-room, where all 
sorts of alcoholic drinks are kept for sale, as was said, 
^according to law,^ and they used to mix up those 
liquors with what they called a toddy-stick. When I 
heard this moving briskly, while in my cage, I always 
knew what was to follow. I have been in the dens of 
all sorts of animals, and have seen them in their worst 
moods, and I declare that I have never seen so filthy 
and disgusting a place as a bar-room, fitted up accord- 
ing to law, for the public good, yet filled with the 
steam of alcohol, the smoke of tobacco, and the wran- 
gling and cursing of half-drunken men. If this is the 



40 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

eivilization and refinement wliicli the gentlemen would 
introduce among tlie animals^ deliver us^ I say^ deliver 
us from so awful a curse ! Often as I have witnessed 
the effects of alcohol among men, I have exclaimed, 
^ how thankful am I that my name is not Homo sapiensy 
but Equus Zehra.^ ^^ 

THE TAME ELEPHANT'S SPEECH. 

A tame Elephant next took the floor, and said, that 
what had now transpired, and the remarks made, 
were calculated to produce a very wrong impression. 
The scenes they had just witnessed, and those described 
by the Zebra, were examples of the abuse, not of the 
proper use, of alcoholic drinks. His brother Orang, 
as well as himself, were perfectly aware that men 
had abused, and that animals might abuse, even this 
most useful substance. And what good thing might 
not be abused so as to become a curse ? It was 
only for its moderate and temperate use that they 
pleaded. They reprobated intoxication as much as 
any gentlemen in that Convention. What was called 
among men the low tippling of grog-sliops, they de- 
spised ! But should they, therefore, be guilty of the 
ultraism and asceticism of denying themselves a cheer- 
ing glass when overcome by fatigue, or feeble health, 
or when it was offered to them in the social circles of 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 



41 




those high-minded animals that knew how to keep the 
baser principles of their nature in subjection to the 
nobler powers ? It might be that such animals as the 
Glutton, the Opossum, the Rattlesnake^ and the Hornet, 
could never so control their inferior natures that it 
would be safe for them to use these drinks. But would 
itj therefore, be unsafe for the Eoyal Chairman of this 
meeting, and the noble Secretaries, and many others, 



42 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

whom he might name^ to cheer themselves amid their 
responsibilities and cares, with this charming beverage 
in moderation ? He would not, however, dwell upon 
this point. There was another argument more conclu- 
sive in favor of the proposition before the meeting. 
It was well known that man was able to endure all 
climates and all extremes of heat and cold, but most 
other animals were confined to very narrow limits in 
their range. And it was by the use of alcohol that 
man was able to do this. He used it under the burn- 
ing heat of the tropics to keep him cool, and beneath 
the arctic cold to keep him warm. Would other ani- 
mals follow his example, they too might bid defiance 
to climate, and range over the whole earth at their 
pleasure. 

Several animals, unable to listen quietly to such 
statements, interrupted the Elephant. 

The Dog says, ^^I follow man into ail climates, and 
endure without clothing, what he very imperfectly 
endures with it. Is it because I use alcohol ? No : 
I see too much of its bad influence upon my master, 
not only in making him capricious and cruel, but in 
unfitting him to endure great extremes of heat and 
cold, to be willing to touch a drop of it; and among 
the millions of my race that have accompanied man, I 
have scarcely heard of one that ever was tempted to 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 



43 




taste of this vile poison/^ '' Let man/^ said the great 
White Polar Bear^ ^^ first show that he, with his alco- 
hol, can endure an arctic winter .as well as I can without 
it, before you impute to alcohol, what takes place in 
spite of alcohol/^ 

The Elephant, vexed at the interruption, took no 
notice of these keen thrusts at his arguments. He 
said, however, that he could not close without one 
statement founded upon his own experience. He would 
urge the introduction of alcoholic drinks by the Con- 



44 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

vention, because they would so mucli increase the 
physical strength of animals, and give them so much 
vigor of mind. Among men it was understood that 
one who used water only, would be weak in his body, 
weak in his mind, weak, indeed, in everything. Now 
it was well known that in all these respects animals 
were becoming more and more feeble, and he did not 
doubt but the use of cold water had been the principal 
cause of it. He, himself, had found his strength, and 
clearness, and vigor of mind nearly doubled, whenever 
he drank a few gallons of brandy or wine. 

THE CHALLENGE TO PERSONAL COMBAT. 

These last remarks touched the animals in a very 
tender point, and produced great excitement. They 
felt it to be insufferable slander, to represent them as 
becoming weak and puny. A wild Elephant, who was 
present, and who had never been taught the use of 
alcoholic drinks, strode forward into the midst of the 
assembly, with his eyes flashing fire, and throwing his 
trunk around with fearful violence, he called on the 
tame Elephant to come forth and measure trunks and 
strength with him. At the same time, coiling his 
trunk around a palm tree of nearly a foot in diameter, 
he twisted it off as if it had been a slender reed. The 
tame Elephant trembled and drew back : for he saw it 







THE CHALLENGE. 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 47 

was a hopeless case for him to grapple with such a 
giant as stood before him^ just out of the jungles of 
India. He excused himself from the combat^ by say- 
ing that it had been impossible for him to bring along 
with him the alcohol necessary to give him his maxi- 
mum strength, and that he was in fact suffering at that 
moment from the weakness which always attended a 
deficiency of alcoholic drink. 

The cry of Coward I Traitor 1 burst upon him from 
all parts of the assembly ] many of the animals in- 
voluntarily pressed towards him, and towards all who 
had advocated the use of strong drinks, and were ready 
to pounce upon them to prove how their strength had 
been slandered. 

The Crocodile made the water foam around him, and 
the shores of the lake rang again, as he bellowed out, 
'^ Let that craven Elephant, if he dare, come here, and 
I will show him that I have lost no strength since Job 
called me Leviathan.^^ Even the Lion himself, for- 
getful of his dignity, had assumed a crouching posture, 
as if ready to spring upon his prey ; and it was obvious 
that a terrible scene of carnage would have terminated 
the Convention, had not the two following circumstances 
occurred, of a singular and quite ludicrous nature, that 
restored order. 



48 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

THE SPRINEXING WITH OTTO OF EOSES. 

In the space between the two Elephants^ a small, 
striped American animal was seen running along, and 
frisking about his bushy tail, as if for display. His 
singular appearance and imminent danger of being 
crushed under the Elephant^ s feet, attracted general 
attention : but none of the animals except those from 
America, suspected what would follow. In a moment 
the Elephants were seen retreating from the arena, 
with their trunks placed upon their nostrils, and forth- 
with a general snorting and blowing burst forth from 
all the assembly, and the cry of ^^ Suffocation ! suffoca- 
tion ! flee for your lives V^ resounded through the air. 
The American animals perceived that their colleague, 
Mr. Mephitis Americana^ had been sprinkling the 
cowardly Elephant with a little Otto of Roses, and 
knowing that there was no danger of suffocation, they 
were convulsed with laughter. 

As soon as order could be restored, the Lion directed 
the intruder, Mr. Mephitis, to be seized and carried 
out of the assembly. But no animal could be found 
courageous enough to lay hold of him, and he quietly 
marched off to his burrow, having first turned round, 
and calmly said, ^^ May it please your Majesty: My 
only object has been to let that Elephant, who has been 
slandering us all, carry evidence about him, for at least 



w 

►13 



» 
O 

H 
O 

O 
"I) 

o 

R 




TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 51 

three months, which will satisfy his nose, that it is 
possible to prepare odors that have some strength, with- 
out alcohol/' 

THE SHOWER BATH. 

This occurrence moderated a little the excitement. 
Still there remained too much heat; but the next cir- 
cumstance that occurred, thoroughly cooled down the 
assembly. The waters of the lake were seen to be in 
great agitation ; then followed a blowing noise, as if a 
hurricane were rising. But it was a Whale, who felt 
called upon to show that he had some strength left. 
Before he was able to speak, it was necessary that he 
should spout off a few hogsheads of water from his 
mouth. Unintentionally, he directed the stream towards 
the assembly, and all the animals found themselves 
unexpectedly enjoying the benefits of a shower bath. 
The Whale apologized, by pleading the strong emotions 
that agitated him. He was distressed and angry too, 
that any animals had so far become the slaves of man 
and of appetite, as not only to plead for the introduc- 
tion among themselves of a fascinating and deadly 
poison, but also to utter most foul slanders. He would, 
however, not retort railing for railing, but mention one 
melancholy fact that bore upon the point, and also 
filled him with deep solicitude. It was well known 



52 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

that his race had been persecuted by man with the most 
unrelenting fury, and that vast numbers were yearly 
sacrificed to his cupidity. Until recently, however, 
they had been able to cope with their enemy so suc- 
cessfully amid the polar icebergs, that their numbers 
had not essentially diminished. So long as the whale- 
ships were well provided with alcoholic drinks, he had 
found it no difficult matter to baffle their plans. Often 
had he, himself, with a single blow of his tail, sent 
a boat-load to the bottom of the ocean, because they 
were deprived of half their reason and their strength 
by spirit. But recently there had come among them 
what were called temperance ships : ships destitute of 
alcohol ; men that took care to keep out of the reach 
of a stroke of the tail ; and knew how to direct the 
harpoon with dreadful certainty. The poor Whales 
are fast disappearing before them, and '' unless some 
means be taken to induce these ships to return to their 
old habits of drinking,^' said the Whale, ^^ my noble 
race will soon be gone. Would you hasten that woful 
day, by leading us to use that which has made such 
dreadful havoc among the human race ? Strange, that 
a Convention should have been called to deliberate 
whether its members shall commit suicide V 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 53 

THE BEAR'S SPEECH. 

A noble-looking American Bear, one of the secre- 
taries, next rose to follow out the thoughts suggested 
by the Whale. ^^I appeal/' said he, ^^to the patriot- 
ism of this assembly, to their love of liberty and life. 
Who are these animals called men, or, as they very 
modestly style themselves, homines sapientes? Mere 
puny upstarts of yesterday. They cannot trace back 
their ancestry more than 6000 years; yet, according 
to our geological writers, animals began to exist not 
less than 570,000 years ago. And yet man has obtained 
possession of nearly all the earth, and its original and 
rightful owners have been driven into the rocks and 
fastnesses, and even there they have no rest. Many 
of our races are almost extinct. I am now advanced 
in life, and I have watched with deep anxiety the rapid 
wasting away of the different tribes. My own race, 
originally spread over the whole of the North American 
continent, now scarcely retains a few limited spots in 
the deepest recesses of the wilderness. There is only 
one single hope, that we shall not, all of us, in this 
Convention, be entirely eradicated, or converted into 
slaves, by the universal destroyer, man. That hope 
rests upon alcohol ; not upon its introduction among 
animals, but upon the fact that it is making dreadful 



54 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

havoc among men. In tlie United States alone, it 
sweeps away not less than 100,000 every year, and at 
the same rate, it would destroy not less than 4,660,000 
yearly, over all the globe, besides a gradual prostration 
of the race. I have watched the progress of this work 
of destruction for many years with the eye of a phi- 
losopher, and until recently, I felt sure that ultimately 
it must extinguish the race, and if we held on to cold 
water, we should at last regain our lost and rightful 
possessions. But alas ! a cloud has risen over our 
prospects. Men are beginning to come back to the 
example of animals, and many millions have pledged 
themselves to total abstinence from all intoxicating 
drinks. The work meets, indeed, with violent opposi- 
tion, and I am not without strong hope that this tem- 
perance reformation, as it is called, will be stopped : 
if it is not, then it is certainly a gone case with us. 
With what indignation then, ought this Convention to 
reject the proposition to introduce this destroying demon 
among all our tribes ! 

^^ It never could have been made except by those races 
who have vilely sold themselves as slaves to men, and 
having lost their own personal independence, they 
would gladly take away that of others. 

^^ Let us rather bring up all our tribes around that 
pure fountain which I see gushing forth beneath yonder 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 



55 



rock, and there make tliem swear eternal hostility to 
all that intoxicates, and eternal fidelity to that pure 
beverage which nature has so abundantly provided. 

" And were I to decide, I should say also, let them 
swear eternal hostility to everything human/' 




^:^^^-^5I^S\r^ 



'^I'l I rn 



)-T^ 



SPEECHES BY THE COW, THE SWINE, AND THE 
DOa, FROM NEW YORK. 

A Cow next introduced herself to the assembly as an 
inhabitant of the city of New York, in America. She 
said, that as the rules of the Convention allowed her to 
to speak, she could not refrain from recommending. 



56 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

from her own experience/ one variety of substance 
resulting from the distillation of alcohol. It was called 
the sZops of distilleries, and answered perfectly for food 
and drink. She had lived upon it for yeai^^ and found 
herself always plump and fleshy^ as they now saw her; 
and besideS; she was able to furnish twice the quantity 
of milk which any other mode of living would produce. 
She urged^ therefore^ the introduction of distillation 
among all the animals^ as a means of rearing a greater 
number of youngs and enjoying firmer healthy and more 
vigorous constitutions. In conclusion^ she felt con- 
strained to say^ that the inhabitants of the city where 
she dwelt^ were distinguished for the polish and ele- 
gance of their manners^ and, therefore, it had probably 
been more painful to her, accustomed to such refined 
society, to witness in that Convention so many viola- 
tions of good breeding. She did not doubt that the 
use of alcoholic drinks would soon wear away this 
boorishnesS; and she did not believe anything else 
would. 

A Swine from the city of New York rose merely to 
confirm all that the lady had just stated. For he and 
thousands of his brethren had been fattened on the 
same delicious material, and he could not doubt but 
its eJBTect had been most happy upon their manners, for 
it was well known that his race had long enjoyed the 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 57 

freedom of the city^ and a joint right with their biped 
fellow citizens^ to occupy the sidewalks of Broadway. 

A cunning Dog; who belonged to a dentist in the 
same city, and who had heard his master state what 
terrible effects the slops of distilleries had produced 
upon the teeth of animals^ stated to the Convention 
that the apparent good health of the two individuals 
who had just spoken was a delusion ; and that, in fact, 
their constitutions were in a state of decay. Would 
any animal present doubt^ that his constitution was in a 
wretched state^ if his teeth were all decayed? This 
was the last part of cold-water animals that gave way. 
Yet if the Convention would indulge him in a simple 
experiment; he would prove to them that the Cow and 
the Swine were in this wretched condition. He^ there- 
fore; moved that all the assembly be required to make 
a broad griu; and to show their teeth for the space 
of two minutes. 

THE GRINNINa. 
The Cow immediately remonstrated; and declared that 
BO gentleman of any breeding would ever require a 
lady to show her teeth : but cries for the question 
drowned her voice, and the next moment; such fine, 
unbroken rows of white teeth shone around the assem- 
bly, as no human congregation could ever exhibit. But 
before the two minutes of grinning were ended, a titter 



58 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

first, and then a broad laugh, burst from almost every 
animal, as they saw the unavailing efforts of the Cow 
and the Swine to hide the few stumps of teeth that 
alone remained in their jaws. The Cow attempted to 
apologize. She acknowledged that defective teeth were 
very common among men, and among animals that live 
like them. But this, she said, was of little importance 
to a race so fruitful in inventions as man. For there 
existed among them a very numerous class, who had 
the astonishing faculty of supplying the loss of teeth 
by new ones more elegant and durable than nature had 
provided. 

Indeed, she thought the time not distant when men 
would knock out their natural teeth, in order to be 
supplied with those from the mineral kingdom. Just 
before she started, she had obtained a complete set, 
but leaning one day over the side of the ship in which 
she sailed, they had dropped into the sea, and, there- 
fore, she had been subjected to the gross insult now 
put upon her. 

The Dog, by way of reparation for his insult, here 
stated to the Convention, that he had no doubt the 
Cows of New York, and other large American cities, 
were doing more to advance the interests of the wild 
animals, than any other class represented in that assem- 
bly. For his master, the dentist, had told him, that 



s 







v'^ 



TEMPEIANCE CONVENTION. 61 

in no other way were so many children destroyed, as 
by the use of their milk while feeding on slops. 

THE TIGER'S MOTION. 

The Tiger seized upon this statement, and moved a 
vote of thanks to the Cows of America, for their great 
success in destroying the human race; which passed 
by acclamation. He added, also, that he hoped other 
animals domesticated by man, would give in their tes- 
timony on the use of alcoholic drinks. 

THE OX RESPONDS. 

^^ I could detain this assembly/^ said the Ox, ^^ through 
a whole moon, in detailing the cruelties which I and 
my brethren are suffering from our masters, when half 
delirious with alcohol. The only thing that enables us 
to bear it, is the thought, that this alcohol is shorten- 
ing the lives and ruining the families of our masters." 

THE HORSE GIVES TESTIMONY. 

^^Our sufferings are still greater," exclaimed the 
Horse; ^^so great, that a few individuals have resorted, 
like men, to ale and wine to drown their troubles. 
But the almost entire race stand firm upon the cold- 
water mark. And we have a chance, now and then, 
of retorting upon our masters. When we find that they 
have been indulging in strong drinks, we make it a 



62 



HISTORY OF A ZOOIOGICAL 









VW 




rule to run away with them, and, if possible, to make 
an end of them, and of the vehicles which convey 
them. For no one ever thinks of blaming a Horse for 
running away with a drunken man/^ 

THE CAMEL TESTIFIES. 
^^If alcohol were needed anywhere to sustain ani- 
mals under heat and fatigue, we should need it,'' said 
the Camel, "who are compelled to wade with heavy 
"burdens through the scorching sands of the desert. 
But give us only pure water once in a few days, and 
we wish nothing better. A few of us once tried the 
experiment, accidentally. We were fed upon dates 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 63 

and water^ whicli fermented in some of our many sto- 
machs, and for a few hours we fancied ourselves in 
Paradise, so light was our step and elastic our spirits. 
But in a few hours more, we were plunging into Tartarus, 
and at every step seemed to be dragging a mountain. 
I shall never forget the horrors of the two subsequent 
days. I do not wonder that Infinite Wisdom com- 
manded the Nazarite, not only to abstain from wine, 
but even from moist grapes. So faithfully have we 
told our story and warned our fellows, that every 
Camel in Africa and Asia is now a Nazarite indeed.^'* 

^ The curious statements respecting tlie intoxication of the 
Camel from the use of dates, which are referred to in the 
speech of that animal, are not fiction, but sober facts ; as 
the following extract from Dr. Oudney's "Narrative of 
Travels and Discoveries in Northern and Central Africa," 
will show. 

*' Several of our camels are drunk to-day ; their eyes are 
heavy and want animation ; gait staggering, and every now 
and then falling, as a man in a state of intoxication. It 
arose from eating dates after drinking water ; these probably 
pass into the spirituous fermentation in the stomach." 

See " Desultory Notes on the Origin, Uses, and Effects of 
Ardent Spirits, by a Physician," p. 51. 



64 



HISTORY OF A ZOOtOGICAIi 







THE OHIO SWINE. 

^^ My race have been traduced/^ cried a large, sleek 
Swine from Ohio, ^^ by being represented, just now, as 
attached to alcoholic drinks. That may be the case 
with a few slop-fed renegades in the city of JSTew York, 
of whom the gentleman who lately spoke is one. But 
the Swine in the country detest alcohol in every form. 
True, we are what is learnedly called omnivorous, that is, 
inclined to eat and drink almost everything offered to us, 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 65 

and that with a tolerably good relish : therefore we 
have sometimes swallowed some salutary food mixed 
with alcohol ; as when we devoured cherries which had 
been soaked in ardent spirits^ or had spirit mixed with 
our ordinary drink. But mark me ; never was a Swine, 
always excepting the New York slop-eaters, never was 
a Swine caught the second time : for after that, he 
always kept on the look-out for alcohol. Why, sir, I 
should give up the race, as hopelessly degenerate, did 
they not manifest the most unconquerable aversion to 
this poison. And oh, what dreadful sufferings are 
brought upon us by the use of alcohol among men ! 
Often have I known a tender mother, who had care- 
fully nursed a family of twelve little ones, deprived of 
them all in a single day, to be converted into what are 
called roasters for some carousal upon the Fourth of July, 
or at Thanksgiving. And then it has been customary 
to employ intemperate men to kill and dress us. We 
do not so much object to being killed, for that we ex- 
pect, after we have submitted to being fattened, and we 
have become so accustomed to it, that we hardly feel 
it. But we do object to being slaughtered by the 
blundering knife of a drunkard, and when eaten, we 
do object to being washed down by alcohol. Cannot 
this Convention obtain for us some redress from these 
grievances ?'' 



66 



HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 



• _ — ' ^ *-^. — ^ '^ t;^- i>^^. 




THE STRANGE VOICE. 
While the animals were thus giving in their testimony, 
a quick-eared Cat was observed to be watching by the 
side of a small pool of stagnant water^ within the bounds 
of the assembly : and at length she declared that she 
saw the water distinctly agitated^ and could hear a voice, 
though very feeble, coming out from the pool : ^ Let us 
testify I let us testify ! ' But in vain had she tried to dis- 
cover any animals in the water. The Convention ap- 
pointed a committee of the Lynx, the Eagle, and the 
Hawk, to try their microscopic eyes to learn the nature 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 67 

of the mystery. Tlie next day they made a report, 
which brought out facts most remarkable, and opened a 
field entirely new to the most sagacious and philosophic 
of the animals. The committee declared that they found 
the mysterious voice to proceed from an incredible num- 
ber of animals, too small to be seen by most eyes, yet as 
perfect as other animals. They were called animal- 
cula; and even that puny pool, only two feet across it, 
contained a thousand times more in number than all 
the men and other animals on the globe. Nay, in one 
drop of water they counted 500,000,000. They had 
also ascertained beyond all question that these animal- 
cula swarm in water, in blood, in the air, all over the 
globe; and that all other animals shrank into perfect 
insignificance, as to numbers, when compared to these. 
They thought the Convention, by observing the 
utmost stillness and attention, might hear the remarks 
which the largest of the animalcula, called the Vine- 
gar-Eel, because he lived in that fluid, wished to make. 
It was amusing to see how they all bent forward, with 
ears erect, to listen to the stranger, and to see, espe- 
cially, the strong emotions depicted upon the face of the 
Lion, as he thus had evidence for the first time of in- 
numerable races subject to his dominion, whose exist- 
ence he had never suspected. 



68 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

THE VINEGAR-EEL ADDRESSES THE ASSEMBLY. 

^' Though we have been so long unknown and ne- 
glected/^ said the Vinegar-Eel^ '^ we claim fellowship 
with this assembly, and submit ourselves to the autho- 
rity of your noble sovereign. We have heard with 
deep sympathy of the sufferings you have endured from 
the use of alcohol among men. But we can tell you a 
sadder tale. The particular tribe to which I belong, 
live chiefly in pure vinegar, and unless there be as 
many as 500,000,000 in a barrel, we hardly know that 
we have any neighbors. Now it is sometimes custo- 
mary to introduce into the vinegar barrel a glass of 
cider, containing a few drops of that deadly poison, 
alcohol. And that is sufficient to strike dead the 
500,000,000 living moving beings found there. But 
this destruction is nothing compared with that which 
results from the drainage of distilleries, leading into 
ponds, where the animalcula swarm. It was calculated 
by some of our statistical writers, that in a single 
season the drainage of the breweries, into that perfect 
Paradise of animalcula, the pond on the hill in Albany, 
destroyed not less than 100,000 billions.* Oh, there 

* The pond on the hill in Albany became quite famous 
several years ago, in consequence of a prosecution commenced 
by the brewers of that city against Edward C. Delavan, Esq., 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 69 

is no race of animals so sensible as we are to the in- 
fluence of this poison; and instead of enouraging its 
use among animals, we do pray this Convention, in its 

on account of the statements he had made, respecting theii 
use of the water of said pond in their breweries. Around the 
pond were slaughter-houses, privies, a glue factory, heaps of 
manure, and burial-grounds, the drainage from which was 
carried into the pond. It was also a place for the deposit of 
dead animals. It was stated by Mr. Delavan, that this 
water, thus redolent with filth, was extensively used by 
the brewers for making beer. They prosecuted him for 
libel, and laid their damages at $300,000. But Mr. Delavan 
proved the facts abundantly in court, and gained his cause. 

The *' Brewer's Lament," a poem by Mr. Pierpont, will 
perpetuate this history and the triumphs of Mr. Delavan, 
over a most formidable array of wealth and influence. 

Those not familiar with the modern discoveries, especially 
those of Ehrenberg, respecting animalcula, or infusoria, will 
be disposed to regard the statements in the text as mere 
fancy and exaggeration. But these and many more facts no 
less marvellous are now regarded as the settled truths of 
science. 

Not less than 1000 species of these microscopic animals 
have been already described, varying in size, from the j\th. 
to _._J-^-.th of an inch in diameter. Of the smallest, eight 

24000 ' o 

millions would form a mass not larger than a mustard seed. 
Of their skeletons, found almost everywhere in the form of 
a white powder in our country, beneath peat bogs, it requires 
more than 40,000 millions to make a cubic inch. Yet small 



70 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

wisdom, to devise some means to guard us against the 
dreadful evils we suffer from its use among men/' 

THE WOLVES IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING. 

During one of its sittings, the Convention had been 
much startled by heavy groans proceeding from a copse 
of wood on one side of the place of meeting that had been 
devoted to the reception and entertainment of strangers. 
The Ostrich, one member of the committee of arrange- 
ments, was directed to inquire into the cause of those 

as they are, all the important organs of animals have been 
discovered in them, such as eyes, teeth, muscles, nerves, 
glands, stomachs, and organs of reproduction. The rapid- 
ity with which they multiply, is prodigious. The Hydatina 
senta increased in ten days to 1,000,000, in the eleventh day 
to 4,000,000, and on the twelfth, to 16,000,000. Ehrenberg 
says that another individual, the Closterium, may become in 
four days 170 billions, whose skeletons would make only 
two cubic feet of earth, like the polishing slate of Bilin. A 
single skeleton would not weigh more than the 187-millionth 
part of a grain. Some of these animals have been found 
living in snow, to which they impart a red colour, in the Alps 
and some other countries. When the snow melts, they die, 
because it becomes too warm, perhaps ! They are peculiarly 
susceptible to the influence of poisonous substances, such as 
alcohol. See Pritchard's ^^ Infusoria, Living and Fossil.^' 
London, 1841. 




o 

c 

I 

<; 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 73 

distressing sounds^ and at this stage of the business 
he stepped forward to make his report. 

He stated that, in preparing for the Convention^ the 
committee of arrangements had thought it desirable, — 
-since there would doubtless be many strangers present 
to witness the proceedings, who were not provided with 
food or lodgings, — that a number of animals should be 
licensed to prepare burrows, lairs, and roosts, to be let 
for compensation. Forthwith there appeared a pack 
of Wolves and a flock of Sheep, both eager for the place 
of landlords. The committee could not hesitate to 
give the preference to the wool-bearing applicants, so 
proverbially kind and gentle. The Wolves went away 
snapping and growling in great fury ; and it now ap- 
peared that after the Sheep had fitted up several large 
establishments, as places of entertainment, several 
Wolves entered them as guests, and, watching their 
opportunity, slew the landlords, and wrapped their skins 
about themselves, and thus prevented all suspicion of 
their nefarious deed. They then prepared convenient 
ante-rooms in front of their establishments, and having 
hired a number of Rattlesnakes, they placed them in 
such a position in these ante-rooms, or bar-rooms, as 
they were called, that, as the guests entered, the first 
objects they met were the fascinating eyes of the 
Rattlesnakes, who were charged to exert themselves to 



74 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

the utmost, first to charm the guests, and then to 
strike them with their deadly fangs. 

When the guests were well poisoned, they were 
stripped of everything valuable, and thrust out to die, 
unpitied. It was the dying groans of some of these 
animals that had lately fallen on the ears of the Con- 
vention. And on inquiry, it was found, that but few 
who entered these murderers' dens, were able to resist 
the sparkling eyes of the Snakes, or escaped their poi- 
sonous fangs, and he had been horror-stricken to find 
what a pile of carcasses lay on the back side of these 
establishments, some of which were called Taverns, 
others Hotels, and others. Gin-palaces. In those still 
conducted by the Sheep, he found the utmost order, 
quiet, and satisfaction among the guests. But he did 
not hesitate to summon a posse and arrest at once the 
Wolves in Sheep's clothing, and bring them to the bar 
of the Convention for trial. 

THE SENTENCE— ''SKIN FOR SKIN." 
The culprits being introduced, the Attorney-Gleneral, 
a large Newfoundland Dog, who was familiar with 
courts among men, his master being an eminent lawyer, 
was called on for his opinion. He said that the prison- 
ers at the bar had been guilty of a double crime : murder 
directly, and indirectly. And the latter crime : that of 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 75 

destroying life by poison, seemed to him more heinous 
than the other. Nevertheless, he did not know of any 
statute that pointed out this crime exactly, or its punish- 
ment. But there was an ancient law, entitled, ^^ Skin 
for skin,^^ whose exact meaning he had never before 
understood. But now he saw it clearly. It applied to 
this case, and meant that when one animal skinned 
another, he should be skinned himself 3 and he now 
proposed that these Wolves should first have their skins 
stripped off, and then that the Sheep-skins which they 
wore should be fastened to them by a coat of tar. 

THE ALLIGATOR'S SPEECH AGAINST CAPITAL PUN- 
ISHMENT, AND IN EAVOR OF MORAL SUASION. 

This proposition was met by most of the Conven- 
tion with great applause. A few, however, dissented. 
Foremost among them was the same Alligator, that, 
on a former occasion, had taken sides with the Wolves 
and Hyaenas. He said he was as much opposed to 
wanton murder as any member of the Convention. 
But then he begged the members to recollect that these 
Wolves had been under strong temptation to destroy 
the Sheep, because supplanted by them. And, besides, 
after they had become proprietors of the hotels, they 
did not compel their guests to look at the Battlesnakes' 
eyes. Having come into the place of the Sheep as 



76 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

landlords; whether justly or unjustly, they were autho- 
rized by law to entertain guests, and to make their 
establishments as attractive as possible ; and what could 
be more fascinating than a Eattlesnake^s eyes ? And 
if their guests chose to look at them, and to come so 
near as to be bitten, how could the Wolves be blamed, 
since they made use of no compulsion, and, moreover, 
had families to support from their business 1 But 
after all, the grand objection in the mind of the Alli- 
gator, to having the Wolves skinned, was, that it would 
probably occasion their death, and he could not bear 
the idea of capital punishment. His plan would be to 
try moral suasion with the Wolves, to see if they could 
not be reformed and induced to give up the Rattle- 
snakes, and then they would make excellent landlords, 
from their known energy of character. He thought 
an earnest appeal from that Convention would have a 
powerful effect upon animals so reasonable as Wolves, 
and thus would they be saved to the world, and the 
feelings of the Convention would not be shocked by the 
shedding of blood. 

REPLY TO THE ALLIGATOR'S SPEECH BY AN 
AMERICAN DEER. 

There was a great rush for the floor, in order to give 

a reply to the Alligator. It was finally yielded to a 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 



77 










noble-looking American deer, whose graceful legs and 
antlers made a most favorable impression. He was 
a good deal excited, However, and declared that he 
never thought to see the day when an Alligator's feel- 
ings would be wounded by the sight of capital pu- 
nishment, unless through fear that he should not be 
appointed executioner. " Why,'' said the Deer, ^^ he 
lives by the most reckless murder every day : and we, 
who inhabit the same wilderness with him, are obliged 



78 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

to keep on the look-oiit, or we should all be sacrificed : 
for his maw is never satisfied. I have seen the very 
individualwho has addressed yon devour a hundred 
trout at a meal, in one of the lakes of Florida, and for 
a dessert he took down one of my cousins who had gone 
to the edge of the water to drink. It is also a new 
idea, and yet quite appropriate, for the Alligator to 
endeavor to reform Wolves by moral suasion. He 
had heard men speak of a golden age, that was to visit 
the earth, which they called millenium; and when 
Wolves shall be changed into Lambs by means of moral 
suasion exerted by Alligators, he had no doubt a mil- 
lenium would visit animals. '^ 

THE LEAN HORSE'S SPEECH. 

A very lean Horse here stepped forward and made 
one or two remarks. He said he had some doubt 
whether skinning the Wolves were a punishment severe 
enough for their crime. For among men it was thought 
but little of. Nay, the greater part of them spent 
most of their time in trying to fleece and skin one 
another. 

This was expected, for instance, almost as a matter of 
course, when a man appeared in a court of justice, either 
as accuser or defendant ; and he believed, if not misin- 
formed, that it was considered one of the perquisites 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 79 

of office for tliose wlio conducted these cases in court, 
at least to fleece well tliose wlio employed them, 
whether successful or defeated. 

And in taking off the fleece^ he was sure that they 
usually cut so close as to take some of the skin also, 
and he never knew a man come out of a law case whose 
back did not smart for it. He had himself been in 
the service of a man who^ for several years^ had a case 
in court, and his attorney had not only succeeded in 
shearing off his master's fleece and skin, but, by being 
himself kept most of the time on post-hay, he had 
lost almost everything but his skin, and some very 
sharp bones. However, he would not press this argu- 
ment. But, in order that the work should be done in 
good style upon the Wolves, he moved that the Blood- 
hounds, whom he saw present from Cuba, should be 
appointed executioners. 

THE BUFFALO OBJECTS. 

Upon this motion, an American Buffalo stepped for- 
ward and objected to it, on the ground that it savored 
of unnecessary cruelty. The Convention, as he under- 
stood it, had a regular executioner, viz., the Shark, 
whose sharp, dagger-like teeth were much better adapted 
to the process of skinning, than the blunt, tearing 
teeth of the Dogs. But, above all, he would not employ 



80 



HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL 



.=^5- 




v^^^A*!^ 



the Blood-hounds, lest that Convention should be 
thought as cruel as the American government, who 
employed those very animals to hunt down Indians in 
the swamps of Florida. 

This argument was decisive, and the Wolves were 
forthwith driven away to a retired arm of the lake, 
where the Sharks were already sharpening their teeth 
for the execution. 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 81 



THE GREAT OWL CHEERS THE CONVENTION 
BY HIS REMARKS. 

The great Owl next introduced himself to the meet- 
ing by observing, that he thought the train of remark 
in that Convention had been much too desponding, in 
respect to the prospects of animals, and much too fear- 
ful respecting the progress of the temperance cause 
among men. He had travelled a great deal both in 
Europe and America, during the night; and his power 
of seeing in the dark had given him an opportunity to 
witness a great many scenes unnoticed by daylight travel- 
ers. Could they just watch the occurrences during a 
single night, in one of the splendid gin-palaces of Great 
Britain, or in some of the taverns, grog-shops, and 
groceries of America, and then remember how many 
hundred thousand of these are nightly open, they would 
see that intemperance is a mighty whirlpool, which is 
not to be stopped, or even perceptibly checked, by a 
few temperance lectures, and tracts, and pledges. Very 
probably, by checking the current a little, it will be 
made to whirl more violently, when it gets vent. His 
attention was called to those nightly resorts of alcohol- 
drinkers by the strange noises he heard there, which 
at first led him to suppose it a collection of his cousins, 

the Screech-Owls. At other times, he had mistaken 
6 



82 



HISTORY or A ZOOLOGICAL 




the inmates, as they staggered, and shouted, and roared 
towards their homes, for a roving party of Jackals or 
Hyaenas, who had heen robbing a graye-yard. The 
Convention had no idea how common these scenes were 
among men. They had often annoyed him very much ; 
for, as he was out on his lawful calling, i. e., robbing 
hen-roosts, their noise had often kept old Chanticleer 
so wakeful, that he, the Owl, had to go back to his 
hole fasting. 

His attention had sometimes been directed to the 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 83 

retired rooms of those, who, as he had been told, were 
wasting their lives in poring over the page of learning 
by the midnight lamp ; and, as he looked in at the 
window (for Owls can see through blinds and curtains), 
he had sometimes discovered there an altar to Bacchus 
instead of Minerva, and it was reeking with alcoholic 
libations, and redolent with tobacco fumes ; while the 
worshipers were poring over aces and spades, hearts 
and trumps, jacks, kings, and queens, instead of mathe- 
matical diagrams, philosophical theories, or Greek and 
Roman lore. He found, also, that he must have a new 
lexicon, in order to understand some of the signs which 
he saw over many establishments along the streets. 

The word '' Grocery,'^ he found, for instance, must 
often be understood to mean "Groggery;^' '' Hot Oys- 
ters,'' meant ^^ Hot Sling,'' '' Hot Toddy," and other 
^^Hot" things; and ^^ Soda Water," ^^ Temperance Bit- 
ters," and ^^ Temperance Beer," meant anything you 
choose to call for, except cold water. In a few instances, 
he had found these alcoholic dens in the basement story 
of a church ; and a brother Owl, who accompanied him, 
and was a poet, could not resist the temptation, one 
night, to write upon the wall the following lines : — 

There's a spirit above, and a spirit below, 
The spirit of love, and the spirit of woe ; 
The spirit above is the spirit of love, 
The spirit below is the spirit of woe; 



84 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

The spirit above is the Spirit Divine, 
The spirit below is the spirit of wine. 

Another facetious companion of his wrote one night 
upon the door of a retailer's shop, the following conun- 
drum : — 

" If Satan should lose his tail, where must he go to 
get a new one?'' Answer: "Where they Re-Tail 
spirits/' 

"Upon the whole, so far as my nightly observations 
have extended/' said the Owl, " the cause of intempe- 
rance among men is very promising, and, consequently, 
that of animals encouraging." 

THE HORSE FROM THE WASHINGTON RACES. 

An elegant Horse next announced himself to the 
assembly by loud neighing, and when he had se- 
cured their attention, he came prancing forward into 
the arena, splendidly caparisoned, as if just from the 
tournament. He obviously thought himself to be no 
common Horse, and seemed gratified when he was wel- 
comed by the mixed roaring, and braying, and squeal- 
ing of the Convention. He at once informed them 
that he was from the race-grounds at Washington, 
where he had recently been crowned as victor. He 
confessed himself not a little proud of the extraordinary 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 85 

honors that were heaped upon him on that occasion. 
But he exulted in them, chiefly as affording evidence 
that animals were rising on the scale of existence, and that 
man was sinking. In the first place, he and his com- 
panions were treated for a long time with extraordinary 
care, and nourished with the choicest food, although 
not a particle of alcohol was offered them. He could 
not, for a long time, ascertain what was the object of 
all this attention. But at length he found, that the 
grand question was, whether he or his companions had 
the strongest and most active legs. 

So much more important than anything else, did 
the Congress of the United States regard this question, 
that they suspended all their appropriate business for 
a whole day, and flocked to the race-grounds to see it 
decided. 

Even the foreign ambassadors were there also; and 
such a motley assembly of the high and the low, the 
rich and the poor, the bond and the free, the white and 
the black, he had never seen before, although a counter 
part to that group was exhibited in the Convention he 
had the honor of addressing. And indeed the shout- 
ing, and braying, and squealing, with which he had 
been just greeted, reminded him strongly of the clap- 
ping and the shouting which saluted him upon the 
race-ground, especially when he gained the victory. 



86 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

From the President of tlie United States downward, 
all ranks, and all colors^ united in making the welkin 
ring again in that proud moment. Indeed, he and his 
companions were evidently the magnates of that day : 
while grave senators, and talented representatives, the 
heads of the departments, and foreign dignitaries, paid 
to him a cordial obeisance ; — and he would just hint to 
that Convention, that probably the exclusive use of 
water, by himself and his companions, was the secret 
of their extraordinary success, on that occasion. For 
if they had taken alcohol, and it had affected them as it 
did those who attended the races, instead of exhibiting 
feats of strength and agility, they would have been 
floundering in a slough, or quarreling with one another 
by the wayside.'*^ 

In conclusion, the Horse expressed his determination 
to strive after still higher* honors in the courses the 
next year; and really, he did not know of any higher 
honor which the delegated representatives of the people 
could confer upon him, unless they should propose him 
as a candidate for the presidency at the next election. 

* Those familiar with the history of occurrences at Wash- 
ington, during the session of Congress, know very well that 
this speech of the Horse is an almost literal description of 
what has sometimes taken place there. The newspapers 
for several years past afford ample proof of this statement. 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 87 

And as several Asses had been greatly encouraged, in 
former years, to aspire to that high office, he did not 
despair of ultimate success; since, as a Horse, he stood 
still higher on the scale of animals. 

A CROW ADDRESSES THE CONVENTION. 

A lean Crow next moved forward, announcing him- 
self to be from the vicinity of Baltimore, in America. 
He said that the ancients considered him as an unlucky 
and ominous bird, calling him Corvus Sinistray and 
notwithstanding the remarks of his brethren, the Owl 
and the Horse, he could not but feel dejected, in view 
of the facts he had recently witnessed. Not long since, 
he had often observed, as he flew over the city of Bal- 
timore, some thousands of confirmed drunkards, and 
several of them were so nearly gone, that he and his 
companion Crows had kept their eyes upon them for a 
long time, expecting to find them dead in some ditch, 
where their bones might be picked. But a sudden 
change had come over them, and more than 2000 of 
them could not be distinguished, as they were seen in the 
streets, from the temperate citizens, and he had learned 
that this strange transformation had extended to thou- 
sands upon thousands in other parts of the land. If 
this work went on, as he feared it would, men would 
soon learn to be as temperate as other animals, and find 



88 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

out the secret tliat has saved tlie other animals from 
extinction; yvl., the use of pure water alone for drink. 
If man should rise to the level of other animals on this 
gubject; that is, to the cold-water level, his superior 
means of destroying other races would soon annihilate 
them. 

THE WILD TUEKEY MOUNTS THE EOSTRUM. 

After the Crow, the American Wild Turkey mounted 
the rostrum, and begged leave to make a few remarks. 
As the noble bird moved forward, in his peculiarly 
stately and dignified manner, he excited a good deal 
of attention among the animals of the Eastern Conti- 
nent; and in some of the birds especially, it was easy 
to perceive the workings of envy. He introduced him- 
self as from Mount Holyoke in New England, and, with 
a melancholy air, declared that he was the last of his 
race. He remembered the time when a numerous 
tribe of the Turkey dwelt securely on that mountain. 
But they had suffered a most unrelenting persecution 
from man. And now, his single, small family was all 
that remained ; nor would it be by any means strange, 
if, on his return, he should find those dear objects of 
his afi'ection all massacred. He had often been advised 
to emigrate. But he would not quit the land and the 
graves of his fathers ; he had rather die there than to 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 



89 




live in other forests. Yet man had been encroacliing 
more and more upon the retreats that sheltered him. 
These had been cut down and burned with fire, in many 
places, almost to the crest of the mountain. For a long 
time, he had had hope from only one quarter. He had 
noticed that when the farmer, who came to clear a new 
field, brought along with him alcoholic drinks (and he 
always knew this from the manner of his working), 
that field would very soon be covered again with a new 
forest. But when he saw the farmer stooping down to 



90 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

slake his thirst at the cool spring, he knew that shrubs 
would not be suffered to grow there again. And he 
was satisfied that the number of this latter class was 
increasing y although he knew several of the other class 
still living around the mountain. 

WASHINGTONIANS, AND COLD-WATER ARMIES. 

He had another fact still more startling to commu- 
nicate. Formerly ; as he looked down into the sur- 
rounding villages, and observed various kinds of 
celebrations among men, such as the Fourth of July, 
Thanksgiving, and Political Meetings, Military Ee- 
views. College Commencements, and Exhibitions, he 
had been gratified to see what vast quantities of alco- 
holic drinks were consumed, and what havoc of life 
and property ensued. But of late, such drinks were 
not tolerated ; and were sold and used only by stealth. 
And what was still worse, a large part of these public 
gatherings had now become, what are called ^' Temper- 
ance Celebrations.^^ On these occasions, the Wash- 
ingtonians, as they were called, or reformed drunkards, 
such as had been described by his brother Crow, 
paraded the streets with banners flying, and, by cunning 
speakers, were roused to desperate hatred against all 
sorts of alcoholic drinks. Still further, he had witnessed 
numerous processions of children, embracing almost 



\ 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 91 

all of that age, bearing banners aloft, inscribed with 
the appalling words, ^^Cold-Water Army/' words 
that sent a chill to his heart. For he learned that 
these armies were organized almost everywhere in the 
land, numbering hundreds of thousands : and that such 
children could not be prevailed upon to take any drink 
at all alcoholic, even upon the Fourth of July, nor at 
Reviews and Thanksgiving. Now he had placed more 
dependence upon these days for promoting intemperance 
and ruining man, than upon half the rest of the year. 
And he felt sure that if children should generally 
learn to drink nothing but water, alcohol would soon 
be driven from the land, and animals must give up the 
hope of expelling man from his usurped possessions. 
If drunkards reform, there is still some hope that they 
may go back again to their cups; and if moderate 
drinkers become abstinent, they too may be easily made 
to relapse. But if children are taught, as the young 
of other animals, to use only cold water, it would be 
as difficult to persuade them to drink alcohol, as it is 
to make other animals do it. 

MOUNT HOLYOKE FEMALE SEMINARY. 

The Turkey proceeded to state another fact ominous 
of evil, which he had noticed from his look-out on 
Holyoke. A large building had recently been erected 



92 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

near its base, inhabited only by young ladies. And 
he had ascertained that, from month to month, their 
exclusive drink was only water, and this they used 
voluntarily, being at liberty to do it or not. Now these 
facts, said the Turkey, are ominous of evil to animals 
in a high degree, because they are ominous of good to 
man. For we find here the two great influences that 
control man, enlisted in favor of cold-water temperance, 
such as animals practise. The children,— -they control 
their parents ; and the young ladies, — they control the 
rest of the world, that is, the young men. Indeed, 
things have got to such a pass, that parents dare not 
use alcohol, except out of sight of their children ; and 
even then they are obliged to chew cinnamon, or 
cubebs, or calamus, or some other strong aromatic, to 
prevent being detected by their breath. And young- 
men are obliged to drink alcohol, if they do it at all, 
only at midnight, and in some obscure cellar, or they 
cannot secure the hand of a respectable lady in mar- 
riage. 

The Turkey concluded by saying, that it was very 
unpleasant to state these facts. But he thought it his 
duty to let the Convention know the worst, before they 
attempted to devise a remedy. 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 



93 



..^^^ 



.fc 




THE GOLDEN EAGLE FROM IRELAND. 

The Grolden Eagle from Ireland {Falco Clirysaetos) 
said he had intended to be a mere listener^ but the 
statements of his cousin Turkey had opened a deep 
fountain in his bosom^ because it reminded him of still 
more melancholy facts which he had witnessed in his- 
native Ireland. Not long since the men of that country 
were proverbial for using alcohol, and, as a consequence, 
for quarreling, ignorance, and degradation. But how 
great and melancholy the change ! and brought about, 



94 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

toO; mainly by tlie influence and labours of one man. 
A certain reverend gentleman^ wbom lie could not men- 
tion without indignation^ had been parading through 
the country to pledge the community against alcohol. 
Thousands upon thousands, roused by a contagious 
enthusiasm, had flocked to his standard, until as many 
as four millions of the peoj^le had been marshaled 
into a Temperance Army. At first, the Eagle had 
supposed that it was a mere temporary excitement, 
which would be followed by a greater influx of intem- 
perance. But to his sorrow, he found that the larger 
part of the pledges had been kept month after month, 
and year after year. Now, should nothing be done to 
turn back the tide, and induce the Irish to return to 
their drinking usages, they would, ere long, become 
one of the most powerful and intelligent nations of 
Europe, and the wild animals would be driven entirely 
from the island. And he was satisfied, that so long as 
the hated priest, who had been the chief instrument 
of all this mischief, survived, there was little hope of 
any important reaction. Now he had learned just 
before leaving home, that Father Matthew, for such 
was the name of this temperance demagogue, was about 
to take a voyage to America. He, therefore, moved 
that the Whale, the Sword-fish, and the Shark, be ap- 
pointed a committee to proceed to the coast of Ireland, 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 95 

to watch for his embarkation, and then to follow the 
vessel on its way, in the hope that an opportunity may 
be presented during the voyage, for the Whale to 
destroy the boats of the ship, should Father Matthew 
venture into one of them, or the Sword-fish to pierce 
her bottom, or for the Shark to seize him, should he 
venture to bathe in the ocean. 

The feelings of the Convention having been much 
excited by the three last speeches, this motion was 
adopted by acclamation, without considering the extreme 
improbability of accomplishing the object. The land 
animals of Ireland and America also received a strict 
injunction to make away, if possible, with one whose 
influence is so pernicious. The Whale, by spouting, 
the Sword-fish, by protruding his sword from the water, 
and the Shark, by flapping his tail, and extending his 
jaws, signified their acceptance of the commission with 
which they had been charged. 

THE PAKROT ADDRESSES THE ASSEMBLY. 

An elegant Parrot, Miss Psittacus, flew to the ros- 
trum when the Eagle retired, and announced herself 
as a bird that had escaped from the aviary of a noble- 
man in England. She said, that being a proficient in 
the English language, and having for years been admit- 
ted to the most refined circles, she thought her testi- 



96 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

mony might be relied on ; and, moreover^ it was of a 
character to relieve the Convention from the desponding 
conclusions which a history of the progress of temper- 
ance in Ireland and America had produced. 

For they might rest assured that this cause in Eng- 
land had been treated very differently. Great efforts, 
indeed, had been made to make it flourish there. But 
only a few of the more respectable portion of the public 
had become converts. The nobility and clergy had no 
objection to having the lower classes adopt teetotalism ; 
and hence they would speak encouraging words to the 
advocates of this cause. But when the question came 
to them, whether they would themselves abstain from 
the wine-cup for the good of their neighbor, the de- 
mand was too great. And when away from the public 
ear, she had oftener heard the cause ridiculed than 
advocated; or else condemned as ultra and ascetic. 
Nay, even yet the wine-cup was kept in the vestry of 
the church, to regale the exhausted minister, and help 
him bear his responsibilities; or take for his stomach^ s 
sake and often infirmities. In short, it was considered 
decidedly unfashionable and vulgar to adopt the pledge 
of total abstinence. On the continent of Europe it 
was still more so, as she had learnt from Ibme of her 
sisters who had visited her from France, Italy, G-er- 
many, and Russia. So, even in the United States of 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 97 

America^ she had been assured that many of the 
fashionable and the wealthy still held on to the alco- 
holic glass in the social circle. It had been said by 
the Turkey that the two great influences that control 
men, children and ladies^ were enlisted on the side of 
temperance. But here was an influence no less potent, 
viz. Fashion, — at work too in all civilized countries, 
against temperance. And so long as that power stood 
its ground, let no one fear the final triumph of temper- 
ance among men. So long as the predominant influ- 
ence of England, the most powerful of all the nations 
on the globe, is in favor of alcohol, it will still be manu- 
factured and used. She had been often struck with the 
low state of patriotism and benevolence among the 
educated and refined classes in England, who shrink 
from the slight denial and sacrifice of abstinence from 
alcohol, although they might thus bring immense happi- 
ness to millions in the lower classes of society. But 
animals may well rejoice in man^s selfishness, because 
they may be sure it will work for their good. So long 
as John Bull will indulge himself in brandy and wine, 
he may be sure that enough will follow his example 
in other nations, to keep the chains of intemperance 
upon the world riveted, and prevent man from acquiring 
a complete dominion over other animals. 
7 



98 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 



PROPOSAL TO INTRODUCE TOBACCO AMONG ANI- 
MALS. SPEECH OF THE LONG-ARMED APE. 

The Long- Armed Ape^ Mr. Simia lar, here took the 
floor, and called attention to another substance in very 
common use among men^ of which other animals knew 
nothing, save himself and a few others. He said it was 
somewhat allied to alcohol, and the two were almost 
always used by the same individuals in alternate order, 
so as to produce an agreeable variety. For the use of 
the one always sharpened the appetite for the other. 
The substance was called Tobacco ; a name which an in- 
genious friend of his, who was a good Greek scholar, 
had derived from the name of Bacchus, the god of 
wine. For in declining that name, according to the 
rules of the Greek grammar, it ran thus : Nominative, 
^OBaxx^^] Genitive, T» Baxx^ y I^ative, Tco Baxx<^- The 
literal meaning of which latter case, is, something 
offered to the person or thing spoken of: viz. in this 
ease, as he understood it, tobacco means a certain weed 
dedicated to Bacchus, and it was truly a most accepta- 
ble offering ; for scarcely nothing else promoted his 
cause so much. And next to alcohol it was a most 
charming substance. The exhilaration was not, indeed, 
quite as strong as from alcohol : but it continued longer, 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 101 

and, indeed, a man niiglit use it constantly, except 
when asleep, with the most agreeable results. 

THE APE INTRODUCES THE DANDY. 

Mr. Simla Lar here proceeded to describe the different 
forms in which this precious weed was prepared for 
use, viz. as snuffy and in the form of cigars, and in 
leaves and chunks for chewing and smoking. He had 
tried it in all ways, and v/ith the most marked benefit. 
It always cured a cold and watery stomach, kept the 
teeth from decay, and the spirits from sinking. He 
had brought with him samples of this plant in all the 
states proper for use, and he invited those around him 
to make a trial of it, so as to verify his statements. 
He here stated, that in order to show the animals how 
to use this substance in the most elegant manner, he 
had invited a friend of his, of the human family, and 
called among men a Buck or a Dandy, to accompany 
him to this Convention, whom he here introduced as a 
sample of the elegance of appearance and manners 
which the animals might hope to attain, if they only 
adopted the use of alcohol and tobacco. This gentle- 
man immediately opened his gold snuff-box, and passing 
it around, those animals which had long noses snuffed 
up not a little of the precious substance within. This 
produced such a sternutatory effect, as to throw the 



102 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

snuff-taking animals into convulsions, and the others 
into extravagant laughter. 

THE DANDY AND THE APE SMOKE DAINTILY. 
THE CONFLAGRATION. 

The Dandy next drew out some cigars, and giving 
one to the Ape, who had introduced him, invited him 
to smoke with him. After the exhibition of many 
airs, and taking a conspicuous position, they began to 
puff away, and several animals crowded around them 
to see the strange sight. Among these were the Cash- 
mere Groat, the Racoon, the Fox, the Sheep, the Os- 
trich, and the Condor. Ignorant entirely of the nature 
or effects of fire, they were not careful to avoid the 
sparks which were carelessly thrown off by the Dandy 
and the Ape. Falling among the fur and the feathers 
of the spectators, ere they were aware of it, a confla- 
gration sprang up, which spread most rapidly, and the 
burning animals, in their agony, were frisking and yell- 
ing in all directions, and thus the flames were spread 
on all sides, and few of the fur-bearing and feather- 
bearing animals escaped a singeing. One of those on 
fire, in his agony sprang into the water, and the others, 
observing how the fire was thus extinguished, followed 
his example. But the aquatic animals, supposing this 
rush into the water to be an attack upon them, retorted 








THE DANDY AND THE APE SMOKING- DAINTILY. 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 105 

with fury upon their supposed assailants, and they were 
driven out of the water as rapidly as they went in, and 
a laughable sight it was to see them singed and drip- 
ping as they went back to their seats in the Convention. 
Some of them, however, were in such agony that they 
could not suppress their groans, nor attend to the 
business of the Convention. Others, to whom the 
snuff had been given, and some, who had been chewing 
tobacco, lay wallowing in agony on the ground, and it 
seemed doubtful whether they would recover. 

THE ATTORNEY-GENERAL'S OPINION. 

As soon as the Lion could restore order, which was 
very difficult, he directed the authors of the disturbance 
to take their place at the bar of the Convention, and 
the Attorney-General, a large Newfoundland Dog, as 
already stated, was called upon to state his opinion of 
the case. He said, that it was unnecessary to prove 
that the Dandy and the Ape were the authors of the 
mischief, for they acknowledged it. The only question 
related to the penalty. Now he thought the Ape to 
be decidedly most guilty. For what could have been 
a grosser insult to that Convention, than to introduce 
into it one of its most inveterate enemies ? And yet, 
the great resemblance between the Ape and the Dandy, 
as the assembly might see, might have led the former, 



106 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

ignorant as he was^ to suppose himself not blameable 
for bringing his cousin into an assemblage of all sorts 
of animals. And as to the Dandy, it might be pleaded 
in extenuation of his offence, that he was probably 
led on to this audacious act by the superior ability and 
cunning of the Ape, However, so gross an offence 
must not pass unpunished. And he had been examin- 
ing the laws of the empire to find one applicable to 
this case. He had at last fallen upon a statute with 
the title, Lex SingenSy in other words, the singeing law. 
By this act, any criminal that had, either directly or 
indirectly, singed another, must himself also be singed. 
His judgment, therefore, was, that the Ape, being sus- 
pended by the fore-feet, should be well singed, and 
then drenched with water. Afterwards, he and the 
Dandy should be placed in the middle of the arena of 
the Convention, on the top of the rock which stands 
there, and both of them be required, during the re- 
mainder of the session, to smoke cigars, for the 
amusement of the members, while the Whale was 
directed every half hour to drench them thoroughly 
with a stream of water. 

THE DANDY SPEAKS. 

So consonant with the feelings of the Convention 
was this opinion, that the Dandy and the Ape in vain 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 107 

attempted to obtain a hearing in arrest of judgment. 
The Dandy was heard in broken sentences to say^ that 
among men it would be no disgrace to be obliged ta 
smoke all the time, and in all places ; that in fact the 
most accomplished gentlemen were accustomed to do 
it when they walked the streets, and when they sat in 
the house ; before eating, to settle their stomachs ; and 
after eating, to settle their dinner; in time of health, 
to keep sickness away, and in time of sickness, to pre- 
vent contagion. And if other animals would only be 
persuaded to do the same, what an amount of happiness 
would be the result ! Instead of this, however, they 
were frightened by the first trial of snuffing and chew- 
ing, because it produced sickness at the stomach, a 
thing which always took place among men, ere they 
were broken into the use of tobacco. But this incipient 
suffering was always fully made up to them by the 
subsequent pleasure, and, by contrast, it heightened the 
pleasure ; for the happiness did not end with tobacco ; 
since the use of this only paved the way for the still 
higher pleasure resulting from the use of alcohol. 
These two luxuries were naturally inseparable, and 
though some men did use the one without the other, 
they did violence to nature, and ere long, they usually 
yielded to her dictates, and found themselves amply 
repaid. Oh ! what a boon that Convention were thus 



108 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

rudely rejecting; and not only so, but offering gross 
insult to those wlio presented it to them^ and were now 
going to inflict severe suffering upon his cousin^ the 
Ape^ for his benevolence. ^^ But let not that noble ani- 
mal sink under his sufferings. May the consciousness 
of doing right sustain him as the flames kindle around 
him : and let him not forget^ that his name will 
henceforth be enrolled among the martyrs who have 
suffered for the noble cause of tobacco, and by the per- 
secutions of the very individuals whom he would have 
benefited." 

THE APE ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK. 

Here the voice of disapprobation became so loud 
that the Dandy gave out. The Ape made an effort to 
speak, but the audience were still more impatient, in 
spite of all the efforts of the Lion to keep order. The 
Ape declared, that, as to his personal sufferings, he 
was comparatively indifferent : but he felt deeply in- 
dignant that such should be the reward of the disinter- 
ested zeal of his cousin. Homo so,piens, and warned the 
animals that the day was not distant, when they 
would bitterly rue their mean and detestable conduct 
towards an individual of a race so much superior to 
themselves as man ; and towards himself, who came so 




,-\l< V'i'.f f-vi' 



THE APE AND THE DANDY SMOKING AS A PENALTY. 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. Ill 

near the human family in structure and habits as to place 
him next below man in dignity^ and therefore above 
all other animals. This statement roused to despera- 
tion the members of the Convention^ and they cried out 
for the execution of the sentence which had been 
unanimously pronounced upon the culprits. Accord- 
ingly the Giraffe seized the fore paws of the Ape^ and 
twisting some willow boughs around them^ he sus- 
pended the animal upon a tree^ and then the Dandy 
was required to apply a lighted Lucifer match to his 
posteriors : when instantly he was enveloped in a flame 
which would have proved fatal, had not the Whale been 
ready to spout a whole barrel 'of water upon the victim. 
He soon recovered himself so much that he and the 
Dandy were perched upon the rock and compelled to 
puff away upon their '^ long nines'^ the remainder of 
the session, while they were brayed at, and squealed 
at, and otherwise insulted, by the members of the Con- 
vention ; especially when they emerged from the tre- 
mendous shower-bath inflicted by the Whale : and 
thus ended the effort to introduce tobacco among the 
lower animals. 

To prevent any further effort of the like kind, one 
of the secretaries was directed to prepare a history of 
this transaction, to be published throughout all the 
dominions of King Leo. 



112 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

PROPOSAL TO RAISE A STANDING ARMY. 
SPEECH OF THE PROBOSCIS MONKEY. 

Notwithstanding the ill success of the Ape, in his 
proposal to introduce tobacco, the Proboscis Monkey 
(^Simia flasaZ^s) informed the Convention, that during 
his long sojourn among men, the thing that had most 
attracted his attention was their mode of conducting 
wars. And he had often thought the plan most desirable 
to introduce among other animals. Nature had but 
poorly provided man with the means of slaying his 
neighbor, or of defending himself against violence. 
But his ingenuity had more than made up for natural 
deficiencies. A certain portion of the community were 
selected and trained in the most scientific manner to 
the work of butchering one another. These were 
called Soldiers, or the Army, and their sole business 
was to defend the national honor, avenge insults, and 
wrench property and territory from their weaker neigh- 
bors. Ingenious instruments, called Swords, Dirks, 
Spears, Pistols, G-uns, Rifles, and Cannon, were put into 
the hands of these soldiers, and they were trained to 
their use, especially to that of a remarkable detonating 
compound called gunpowder, by which an enemy 
could be destroyed at a great distance and on a large 
scale. A soldier's sole business was to obey his supe- 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 113 

riorS; and never to inquire whether the cause for which 
he was to risk his life^ were a good or a bad one^ just 
or unjust. 

If the rulers declared that the national honor must 
be vindicated, or a neighboring nation must be chas- 
tised, or that they wanted more territory, the soldier 
must ask no questions for conscience^ sake, but rush 
heroically into the thickest of the fight. If an indivi- 
dual among men, when insulted, should slay his antago- 
nist, he was regarded as a murderer, and he would be 
executed upon the gallows. Or if he were to slay an- 
other in order to seize upon his money, or his land, the 
same fate awaited him. But if the rulers of the nation 
judge that it is necessary to avenge the national honor 
by shedding blood, or to take more territory from their 
neighbor, it was no longer a crime, but honorable war- 
fare; and the soldier might kill and plunder with a 
good conscience; nay, if he did not obey orders to 
this effect, if he ever suffered his conscience to keep 
him back from bloodshed, his own life would be for- 
feited for disobedience of orders. So that an army 
was a most convenient means of getting rid of all 
questions about right and wrong, justice and injustice. 
The grand inquiry was, with a nation, not whether it 
had right, and justice, and Providence on its side, but 
whether it had the strongest army. 



114 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

THE POLAR BEAR INTERRUPTS THE MONKEY. 

The great White Polar Bear ( Ursiis maritimus\ here 
interrupted the Monkey, by inquiring indignantly 
whether he supposed such abominable sentiments would 
ever be received in that Convention, or by the wild 
animals anywhere. Could the animal be found, with 
a natural conscience so seared by intercourse with men, 
as to band with its fellows for the destruction of others 
of its own species ? Especially, where is the animal that 
would ever submit to become a soldier, if he must give 
up the right to use his own conscience, and follow the 
commands of a superior, it may be of one who has no 
conscience ? If ever an army is formed among animals, 
Mr. Simla Nasalis may be assured that they will 
never give up the right of judging for themselves when 
and whom to attack, and whether a cause for which 
they are called upon to risk their lives, be a good or a 
bad one. 

The Monkey replied that he could not justify, in a 
moral point of view, some of the principles by which 
armies were regulated among men. But from the 
much more delicate sense of right and wrong that ex- 
isted among other animals, every error of this kind 
would be avoided in drawing up regulations for the 
army which they might raise. He 'still thought such 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 115 

an army would be of great service in defending tliem 
against enemies, especially man, whose advantage over 
the animals resulted mainly from his use of fire-arms. 
It would also be of great service to King Leo, in re- 
pressing insurrections, and preventing private quarrels 
and bloodshed between individuals, now so alarmingly 
prevalent, and so disgraceful. But it was the glory 
connected with military achievements, the exalted 
honors that were awarded to the surviving hero, that 
seemed to him their crowning excellence : and as to those 
who died in battle, — " dulce et decorum est pro patria 
mori.^^ Oh it was animating enough to make any one 
willing to die, to be clad in the habiliments of the 
warrior, and to go forth with marshaled thousands 
under the sound of the trumpet and the drum, and 
the roar of artillery. Could that Convention witness 
one such scene, or even one military review among men, 
they would need no argument of his to lead them to 
raise at once a powerful army, and thus secure the 
future triumphs of animals over all their enemies. In 
order to give some idea to the Convention of the bril- 
liant attractions of the military costume and appearance 
of soldiers, the Monkey said he had hired a few dresses 
and guns from some of his human friends, and he knew 
that several of his own brethren, who were present, 
were ready to put them on and perform a few manoeu- 



116 



HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 



vres, if the Convention would allow it. He himself 
would act the part of an officer^ putting on the mili- 
tary dress, and directing the movements of his brethren, 
who would act as common soldiers. 




SPEECH OF THE AFRICAN ANT. 

The great White African Ant (^Termes heUicosus), 
who was present, manifested great indignation and 
contempt for this speech of the Monkey. ^^He has 
talked to us/^ said the Ant, ^^just as if we were all 
ignorant of the mode of defence by a disciplined body 
of soldiers ; whereas, in fact, men learned thi^ very art 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 117 

from the other animals. The various tribes or nations 
of AntS; for they are far more numerous than the 
nations of men^ had^ for thousands of years before 
man's creation, armies more numerous and better disci- 
plined than any that man has ever organized. And 
the history of the wars of the Ants, well known at 
least among all their tribes, showed that in military 
skill and prowess, and in the extent of their conquests, 
man was only their humble and most clumsy imitator.* 

■5^Tlie wars of the Ants are as remarkable events as can be 
found in the annals of natural history. The statements which 
follow, can be relied on as true, being given on the authority 
of Kirby and Spence, who are distinguished entomologists. 

**This angry people," say these authors, *'so well armed 
and so courageous, we may readily imagine, are not always 
at peace with their neighbors. To these little bustling 
creatures a square foot of earth is a territory worth contend- 
ing for; — their droves of Aphides, equally valuable with 
the flocks and herds that cover our plains ; and the body of 
a fly, or a beetle, or a cargo of straws and bits of sticks, an 
acquisition as important as the treasures of a Lima fleet to 
our seamen. But I must first observe, that the only warriors 
amongst our Ants, are the neuters or workers ; the males 
and females being very peaceable creatures, and always 
glad to get out of harm's way. 

" The wars of the Red Ant [Myrmica rubra) are usually 
between a small number of the citizens; and the object, 
according to Gould, is to get rid of a useless member of the 



118 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

Yet we are now exhorted to go to man to learn the 
military art. Rather let man come to them and ac- 
knowledge his inferiority. The speaker said, that he 

community. * The red colonies,' says this author, * are the 
only ones I could ever observe to feed upon their own species. 
You may frequently discover a party of from five or six to 
twenty, surrounding one of their own kind, or even frater- 
nity, and pulling it to pieces. The Ant they attack, is 
generally feeble and of a languid complexion.' 

" The wars of Ants that are not of the same species, take 
place usually between those that differ in size ; and the great 
endeavoring to oppress the small, are nevertheless often 
outnumbered by them and defeated. 

"But if you would see more numerous armies engaged, 
and survey war in all its forms, you must witness the combats 
of Ants of the same species ; you must go into the woods 
where the Hill- Ant of Gould {^Formica rufa) erects its habita- 
tions, there you will sometimes behold populous and rival 
cities, like Eome and Carthage, as if they had vowed each 
other's destruction, pouring forth their myriads by the 
various roads, that like rays diverge on all sides from their 
respective metropolises, to decide by an appeal to arms the 
fate of their little world. 

*' Figure to yourself two of these cities, equal in size and 
population, and situated about a hundred paces from each 
other ; observe their countless numbers, equal to the popu- 
lation of two mighty empires. The whole space which se- 
parates them, for the breadth of twenty-four inches, appears 
alive with prodigious crowds of their inhabitants. The 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 119 

himself belonged to the class of soldiers in his tribe, the 
most renowned of all the Ants, and in fact the owners 
of the region on which the Convention were assembled ; 

armies meet midway between their respective habitations, 
and then join battle. Thousands of champions, mounted on 
more elevated spots, engage in single combat, and seize each 
other with their powerful jaws; a still greater number are 
engaged on both sides in taking prisoners, which make vain 
efforts to escape, conscious of the cruel fate which awaits 
them, when arrived at the hostile formicary. The spot where 
the battle rages most is about two or three square feet in 
dimensions: a penetrating odor exhales on all sides, — 
numbers of Ants are here lying dead covered with venom, — 
others, composing groups and chains, are hooked together 
by their legs or jaws, and drag each other alternately in 
contrary directions. These groups are formed gradually. 
At first a pair of combatants seize each other, and rearing 
upon their hind legs, mutually spit their acid (poison) ; then 
closing, they fall and wrestle in the dust. Again recovering 
their feet, each endeavors to drag off his antagonist. If 
their strength be equal, they remain immoveable, till the 
arrival of a third gives one the advantage. Both, however, 
are often succored at the same time, and the battle still 
continues undecided, — others take part on each side, till 
chains are formed of six, eight, or sometimes ten, all hooked 
together and struggling pertinaciously for the mastery ; the 
equilibrium remains unbroken, till a number of champions 
from the same nest arriving, at once compel them to let go 
their hold, and the single combats recommence. At the 



120 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL 

and he could show many a scar made in deadly com- 
bat. If; therefore, the Convention wished to see real 
soldierS; fitted by nature for a battle on scientific prin- 

approacli of night, each party gradually retreats to its own 
city ; biit before the following dawn the combat is renewed 
with redoubled fury, and occupies a greater extent of ground. 
These daily fights continue, till violent rains separating the 
combatants, they forget their quarrel and peace is restored. 
" Such is the account given by Mr. Huber of a battle he 
witnessed. In these engagements, he observes, their fury 
is so wrought up, that nothing can divert them from their 
purpose. Though he was close to them, examining their pro- 
ceedings, they paid not the least attention to him, being 
absorbed by one sole object, that of finding an enemy to 
attack. What is most wonderful in this history, is, that 
though all are of the same make, color, and scent, every 
Ant seemed to know those of his own party; and if by 
mistake one was attacked, it was immediately discovered by 
the assailant, and caresses succeeded to blows. Though 
all was fury and carnage between the two nests, on the other 
side the paths were full of Ants going to and fro on the 
ordinary business of the society, as in a time of peace ; and 
the whole formicary exhibited an appearance of order and 
tranquillity, except that on the quarter leading to the field of 
battle, crowds might always be seen, either marching to rein- 
force the army of their compatriots, or returning home with 
the prisoners they had taken, which it is to be feared are 
the devoted victims of a cannibal feast." Kirby & Spence's 
Entomology, Vol. 2, p. 69-72. 



■'fiidlix'^l'r 




TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 123 

ciples, let them go with him a few rods, and make 
an attack upon a magnificent encampment of the Termes 
bellicosus, and not be humbugged by a miserable 
Monkey putting on the gew-gaws and performing the 
sham and clumsy manoeuvres of man. 

THE MILITARY PARADE. 

The Convention applauded this speech; but being 
in a mood to be amused at the expense of the Simia 
family, they gave permission for the exhibition pro- 
posed by Simia Nasalis, and the Zebra also consented 
to allow the Monkey to mount him with bridle and 
saddle, and accoutred with Cliapeau bras on his 
head, a military coat on his back, epaulettes on his 
shoulders, and a sword by his side. To one of his sol- 
diers he attached a drum, and to another a trumpet, 
and gave to the rest a gun, and placed a military cap 
upon their heads. His cousin, Simia liamadryas, or 
the Dog-faced Baboon^ consented to act as a chaplain. 

The exhibition attracted great attention, especially 
when the drum was beaten with stirring sound, and 
the trumpet gave forth its deafening blasts. The 
Zebra, a little startled, pranced about in a very lively 
manner, when his rider, elated by the attention he 
received, gave an unexpected command to the soldiers 
to fire their pieces. 



124 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

Unaccustomed to this service^ every one of the squad 
of soldiers was knocked over by the rebound of the 
muskets ; while the Zebra, by a sudden spring and 
kick, threw his rider high into the air, knocked off his 
chapeau, and he was tumbled head foremost into a 
dirty pond of water. As he crawled out from thence, 
a sagacious Dog from Europe, who had often seen mi- 
litary reviews, moved, that Mr. Simla Nasalis be 
appointed Captain-G-eneral of King Leo's forces, and be 
declared heir apparent to the throne. While this reso- 
lution was being put to vote, Captain Simla and his 
soldiers, with the chaplain, were seen sneaking off upon 
all fours to the nearest thicket, while the air rung with 
shouts and hisses, lowing and braying, squealing and 
croaking, and every other noise by which animals can 
express ridicule and contempt. None of the army 
were seen afterwards in the Convention. 

THE RUFESCENT ANT PROPOSES TO INTRODUCE 
AND EXTEND SLAVERY. 

The Formica rufescens, or Rufescent Ant, cousin 
to the Termites hellicosus, came forward, and, with as 
much noise and pomposity as his diminutive size enabled 
him to exhibit, expressed his confidence, that in respect 
to one or two customs, his race were far in advance of 
all the other animals ; and he had long wondered why 



TEMPERANCE CONYENTION. 127 

the other tribes had not followed their example. He 
referred to the domestic institution of slavery^ and the 
keeping of cattle^ or rather cows^ to furnish milk. As 
yet he knew of no race, save that of his own and of 
his cousin Formica sangumea^ which had adopted 
these peculiar institutions. True, man had attempted 
to employ them, but he had done it, as we might 
expect, in so wretched a manner, as to prejudice even 
most of the human species, especially against slavery, 
and produce little else than suffering. But the Ants 
took the whole work into their own hands.* True, 

■^Kirby and Spence, having presented the preceding 
graphic description of the wars of the Ants, proceed to give 
us a yet more extraordinary account. 

*' Having, I apprehend," says one of them, *^ satiated you 
with the fury and carnage of Myrmidonian wars, I shall next 
bring forward a scene still more astonishing, which at first, 
perhaps, you will be disposed to regard as the mere illusion 
of a lively imagination. What will you say, when I tell 
you that certain Ants are affirmed to sally forth from their 
nests on predatory expeditions, for the singular purpose of 
procuring slaves to employ in their domestic business, and 
that these Ants are a ruddy race, while the slaves them- 
selves are black ? I think I see you here throw down my 
letter and exclaim, — ' What ! Ants turned slave-dealers ! ! ! 
This is a fact so extraordinary and improbable, and so out of 
the usual course of nature, that nothing but the most power- 
ful and convincing evidence shall induce me to believe it.' In 



128 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

the act of kidnapping the slaves produced some tran- 
sient suffering : because it was necessary to kill most 
of the parents; in order to secure their offspring. But 

this I perfectly approve your caution," &c. The writer then 
proceeds to give the account, which Huber has left us, of this 
singular phenomenon. 

*' There are two species of Ants which engage in these 
excursions, Formica rufescens and Formica sanguinea, (Latr.) 
But they do not, like the African kings, make slaves of 
adults, their sole object being to carry off the helpless infants 
of the colony, which they attack, that is, the larvse and 
pupee, these they educate in their own nests till they arrive 
at their perfect state, when they undertake all the business 
of the society. 

" Their time of sallying forth on these expeditions, is from 
two in the afternoon till five ; the weather, however, must 
be fine, and the thermometer must stand above 36^ in the 
shade. Previously to marching, there is reason to think 
that they send out scouts to explore the vicinity ; upon whose 
return they emerge from their subterranean city, directing 
their course to the quarter from which the scouts came. 
They have various preparatory signals, such as pushing each 
other with the mandibles or forehead, or playing with the 
antennae; the object of which is probably to excite their 
martial ardor, to give the word for marching, or to indicate 
the route they are to take. The advanced guard usually 
consists of eight or ten Ants ; but no sooner do these get 
beyond the rest, than they move back, wheeling round in a 
semicircle, and moving with the main body, while others 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 129 

the offspring, being taken before they were born into 
the imago state, never knew whence they came, and 
could be easily brought up as slaves, and never regarded 

succeed to their stations. They have no * captain, overseer, 
or ruler,' as Solomon observes, their army being composed 
entirely of neuters, without a single female ; thus all in their 
turns take their place at the head, and then, retreating 
towards the rear, make room for others. 

'' When, winding through the grass of a meadow, they have 
proceeded to thirty feet or more from their own habitation, 
they disperse ; and, like dogs with their noses, explore the 
ground with their antennge to detect the traces of the game 
they are pursuing. The negro formicary, the object of their 
search, is soon discovered; some of the inhabitants are 
usually keeping guard at the avenues, which dart upon the 
foremost of their assailants with inconceivable fury. The 
alarm increasing, crowds of its swarthy inhabitants rush forth 
from every apartment ; but their valor is exerted in vain ; 
for the besiegers, precipitating themselves upon them, by 
the ardor of their attack compel them to retreat within, 
and seek shelter in the lowest story ; great numbers entering 
with them at the gates, while others with their mandibles 
make a breach in the walls, through which the victorious 
army marches into the besieged city. In a few minutes, by 
the same passages, they as hastily evacuate it, each carrying 
off in its mouth a larva or pupa which it has seized in spite 
of its unhappy guardians." 

Having given several other accounts of similar expeditions 

to obtain slaves from what he calls the Miner Ant, the author 
9 



130 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

it as any hardship to take the entire care of their 
masters : nay, they were exceedingly attached to their 
masters; and were among the happiest of animals. Now 

speaks of the condition and occupation of the slaves. •' They 
puffer," he says, ''no diminution of happiness, and are 
exposed to no unusual hardships and oppressions in conse- 
quence of being transplanted into a foreign nest. They build 
or repair the common dwelling ; they make excursions to col- 
lect food ; they attend upon the females, and they pay the 
necessary attention to the daily sunning of the eggs, larvae 
and pupge. Besides this, they have also to feed their 
masters, and to carry them about the nest. 

"But, you will here ask, perhaps, — *Do the masters take 
no part in these domestic employments ? At least, surely, 
they direct the slaves, and see that they keep to theu* work. 
No such thing, I assure you ; the sole motive of their pre- 
datory excursions, seems to be mere laziness and hatred of 
labor. Active and intrepid as they are in the field, at all 
other times they are the most helpless animals that can be 
imagined ; unwilling to feed themselves, or even to walk : 
their indolence exceeds that of the sloth itself. So entirely 
dependent, indeed, are they upon their negroes for everything, 
that upon some occasions the latter seem to be the masters, 
and exercise a kind of authority over them. To ascertain 
what the masters would do when obliged to trust to their own 
exertions, Huber shut up thirty of the rufescent Ants in a 
glazed box, supplying them with larv^ and pupge of their 
own kind, with the addition of several negro pup^, exclud- 
ing very carefully all their slaves, and placing some honey 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 131 

did the other animals know how pleasant it was to 
have every wish anticipated by waiting slaves, who even 
provided all their food and put it into their mouths, 
and carried about their masters on their shoulders ; did 
stronger species know how pleasant it is to lead a life of 
elegant leisure, and have abundant time for cultivating 
literature and science, and the polite arts, they would 
not hesitate a moment to take possession of some 
inferior species and convert them into slaves. He 
would not, indeed, recommend that they should kidnap 
adults, as man does : that would be too savage. But 
let them seize upon the young before they know their 

in a corner of their prison. Incredible as it may seem, they 
made no attempt to feed themselves : and though at first 
they paid some attention to their larvae, carrying them here 
and there, as if too great a charge they soon laid them down 
again ; most of them died of hunger in less than two days, 
and the few that remained alive appeared extremely weak 
and languid. At length, commiserating their condition, he 
admitted a single negro : and this little active creature by 
itself re-established order, — made a cell in the earth, col- 
lected the larvae and placed them in it, assisted the pupse 
that were ready to be developed, and preserved the life of 
the neuter rufescents that still survived. What a picture of 
beneficent industry, contrasted with the baleful effects of 
sloth, does this interesting anecdote afford!" Kirby & 
Spence's Entomology, Vol. 2, p. 75 to 86. 



132 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

parents, and then, although it would generally be 
necessary to massacre the parents, yet that would be 
more than made up to the children, who would thus be 
introduced into better society, and be more happy than 
their parents could ever make them. 

Mr. Formica rufescens added, that the Convention 
might see how much better provided for he was on the 
present occasion, than themselves. For he was attended 
by a large retinue of slaves, who procured his food, 
and took the entire charge of his kitchen and ward- 
robe. Whereas he saw that all the other animals were 
obliged to take care of themselves. Did they belong 
to the race of Ants, such menial services, performed by 
themselves, would exclude them from good society, and 
it really did seem entirely unbecoming, for the Chair- 
man of this meeting, and the Secretaries, and other 
seemingly noble animals, to be seen after the adjourn- 
ment of the Convention, cooking their own dinners, and 
attending to other mean offices. Why then should not 
the Convention resolve to introduce this peculiar insti- 
tution through the whole animal kingdom, so as to 
promote the comfort of the masters and the happiness 
of the slaves ? Some species, he did not believe were 
capable of taking care of themselves, and would be far 
better off, if made servants to the more powerful and 
intellectual species. It was amazing to him that the 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 133 

system had not spread wider and faster. He thought, 
however, as animals became more enlightened and 
refined, they must inevitably adopt it. 

As to the other point, to which the speaker had 
referred, he supposed all the Convention knew that 
Ants were in the habit, besides these slaves, of having 
in their possession vast herds of Aphides, from which 
they procured daily a large quantity of milk, of a very 
delicious quality."^ This was another of the advantages 

^ From the same autkors (Kirby and Spence) we quote a 
few sentences respecting the milch cattle, kept by the Ants. 

*' Unparalleled and unique in the animal kingdom, as this 
history (of slavery) may appear, you will scarcely deem the 
next I have to relate, less singular and less worthy of admi- 
ration. That Ants should have their milch cattle as well as 
slaves, is as extraordinary as that they should have slaves. 
Here perhaps you may again feel a fit of incredulity shake 
you ; but the evidence for the fact I am now stating, being 
very satisfactory, I flatter myself it will not shake you long. 

" The loves of the Ants and the Aphides (for these last 
are the kine in question) have long been celebrated ; and 
that there is a connexion between them you may at any 
time, in the proper season, convince yourself; for you will 
always find the former very busy on the trees and plants on 
which the latter abound, and if you examine more closely, 
you will discover that their object in thus attending upon 
them, is to obtain the saccharine fluid, which may well be 
denominated their milk, which they secrete. 



134 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

resulting from slavery; for that system led them to 
look for subsistence to inferior animals ; and he had no 
doubt but nature intended that the strong and the wise 

" This fluid, which is scarcely inferior to honey in sweet- 
ness, issues in limpid drops from the abdomen of these insects, 
not only by the ordinary passage, but also by twe setiform 
tubes placed, one on each side, just above it. When no 
Ants attend them, by a certain jerk of the body, which takes 
place at regular intervals, they ejaculate it to a distance; 
but when the Ants are at hand, watching the moment when 
the Aphides emit their fluid, they seize and suck it down im- 
mediately. This, however, is the least of their talents, for 
they absolutely possess the art of making them yield it at 
their pleasure ; or in other words, of milking them. On this 
occasion their antennoe are their fingers: with these they 
pat the abdomen of the Aphis on each side alternately, mov- 
ing them very briskly, a little drop of fluid immediately 
appears, which the Ant takes into its mouth. When it has 
thus milked one, it proceeds to another, and so on, tiU being 
satiated it returns to the nest. 

'' But you are not arrived at the most singular part of this 
history, — that Ants make a property of these cows, for the 
possession of which they contend with great earnestness, and 
use every means to keep them to themselves. Sometimes 
they seem to claim a right to the Aphides that inhabit the 
branches of a tree or the stalks of a plant, and if stranger 
Ants attempt to share their treasure with them, they en- 
deavor to drive them away, and may be seen running about 
in a great bustle, and exhibiting every symptom of inquietude 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 135 

should thus compel the weaker and less important 
animals to sustain them. Why all the more powerful 
animals did not adopt so reasonable and convenient a 
principle^ he could not conceive. And yet man alone 
had taken it for his guide. Even among that sagacious 
race, there were many fanatics, who exclaimed against 
it. But if human society ever reached a state of per- 
fection, this custom would become universal. 

The Red Ant, Formica sanguineay addressed the 
Convention in support of the views of his cousin ; but 
as he advanced no new thoughts, they need not be re- 
peated. 

A large part of the animals were amazed by the dis- 
closures made by these two speakers. They had heard 
of slavery among men, both of Africans and quad- 
rupeds. But they were filled with horror at the 
thought, that a similar system existed among their own 
races, and especially at the idea that man learnt it 
from the other animals. They had a suspicion that 

and anger. Sometimes, to rescue them from their rivals, 
they take their Aphides in their mouths. They generally keep 
guard around them, and, when the herd is conveniently 
situated, they enclose it in a tube of earth or other materials, 
and thus confine them in a kind of paddock near their nest, 
and often communicating with it. Kirby & Spence's En- 
tomology, Vol. 2, p. 88. 



136 



HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 



the two Mr. Formicas might be deranged^ and there 
was a general call for the Great Ant-Eater, Mr. Myr- 
micophaga juhata, whose life had been spent among 
AntS; to give testimony on the subject. 
That gentleman responded as follows :— 




SPEECH OF THE GREAT ANT-EATER. 

" May it please your Majesty, and Grentlemen of the 
Convention ! 

" You will perceive that my tongue is better adapted 
for catching Ants, than for oratory. And since my 
life depends upon them, you may suppose me to have 
a strong prejudice in their favor. But I can assure 
you that I relish their bodies much better than I do 
their habits. Indeed, so abominably cruel are their 
customs, and ferocious their whole natures, that I feel 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 137 

no compunctions of conscience in killing as many of 
them as possible. It is true that they possess a count- 
less number of slaves, and that kidnapping is about all 
the labor they ever perform, save the milking of their 
cows, who dare not resist. In taking their slaves, 
they wage a war of extermination against other unof- 
fending species, and the slaughter is often terrific. The 
war spirit, which is thus engendered, causes them to 
be almost constantly in conflict with one another ; con- 
tending sometimes for the body of a beetle, or a fly, 
or a straw, or bit of mud, and sometimes for territory 
that lies between them ; nay, sometimes for some point 
of honor, or some fancied insult. These ferocious wars 
lead to a still more horrid custom, that of pismire can- 
nihalism, which almost always forms the chief relish of 
the feasts that succeed a successful campaign. Even 
when there is no foreign war, being always armed, they 
commence fighting one another, in what are called duels. 
I regard even this better, however, than the laziness and 
dissipation which result from being waited upon, and 
fed and carried about, by a multitude of slaves. In fact, 
although called masters, they become perfect slaves, 
and were not the latter the most amiable and harmless 
of all animals, they would soon clear the formicaries 
of all the slave-holders. The two last speakers had 
intimated, that as the masters were naturally armed, 



138 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

and had tlie power to fight^ and the disposition^ it was 
evidence that the Creator intended them to be kidnap- 
pers and slave-holders. But I will not waste time in 
attempting to prove to this Convention^ that the Author 
of the Universe never created animals of any sort for 
the purpose of making them kidnappers; slave-holders^ 
unmerciful warriors, ferocious duelists, barbarous can- 
nibals, or idle, proud, licentious gluttons and revelers. 
And such were these two species of Ants ; that is, of 
the masters among them. If you regard the Creator 
as the Author of any of these customs and feelings, 
you must charge the whole upon him. But the sup- 
position was a monstrous one, shocking to the feelings 
of every unsophisticated animal. I would rather charge 
the origin of all these abominations to man. But on 
that point I call on the Attorney-G-eneral to testify. 
I merely add, that, in my opinion, one reason why 
the Ants have been given up to such abominable 
customs and feelings, is, that myself and my Myrmi- 
cophagian brethren might devour them without reluc- 
tance and with good relish.^^ 

EONS ET ORIGO MALL 

The Attorney-General (a Newfoundland Bog,) said 
that he used to attend frequently with his master, what 
was called a Church among men, where the Clergyman 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 139 

(an order of men unknown among animals^ and unne- 
cessary except for a wicked and fallen race,) used to 
read often from a work called tlie Bible, sent from 
God. This gave an account of the origin of man, and 
how he violated the commands of his Maker, and as a 
consequence, how God cast him out of Paradise, and 
gave him up to all manner of wickedness and conse- 
quent suffering. The curse also extended to other 
animals, and even to the earth itself. Here then was 
the fruitful source of all the misery endured by animals. 
Nay, even those created before the apostacy of man, 
were made with organs and dispositions adapted to 
a fallen and dying world; because God foresaw that 
man would convert the earth into a hotbed of vice and 
misery, and make it one vast slaughter-house. It was 
man who first set the example of war, slavery, dueling, 
assassination, and every other crime ; and animals have 
been compelled to tread in his steps. If, therefore, 
man could be subdued and exterminated by the other 
animals, he did not doubt that their restoration to 
purity and happiness would be the consequence. He 
was amazed, however, that any species should dare to 
propose to the high-born freemen in that Convention, 
to introduce slavery as a wise and benevolent institu- 
tion, when even among men it was limited to a few 
millions, frowned upon and assailed by all the rest, 



140 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

and acknowledged to be ruinous and unjnst even by 
those who practised it. How shameful^ therefore, that 
in a Convention of the lower animals, confessedly so 
much more pure in their feelings and strong in defence 
of freedom, slave-holders should dare to appear ! He 
moved, therefore, that all such should be at once ex- 
pelled from the assembly, and that the Great Ant-Eater 
execute the sentence. 

Nearly the whole assembly were all on fire by the 
remarks that had been made, and the motion was passed 
by a simultaneous and tremendous shout. 

Equally ready was the Ant-Eater to carry it into 
execution. It being, however, about the hour of dinner, 
he very easily persuaded himself that he was at liberty 
to dispose of the Ants as he pleased, and with one 
sweep of his long tongue, he gathered them all into his 
capacious stomach. So strong, however, were the 
feelings of indignation in the assembly against the 
Ants, that the Ant-Eater was suffered to escape un- 
punished ; and thus were the Convention, both by the 
expulsion and extermination of the Ants, guilty of 
the same remorseless cruelty which they so fiercely 
denounced in others. And were this the proper place, 
it might be said not unfrequently to Conventions 
called by Homo sapiens^ Nomine mutato, de te fahula 
narratur. 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 141 



THE ASS PEOPOSES TO INTRODUCE HONORARY 
TITLES AMONG ANIMALS. 

Mr. Equus Asinus succeeded, at this stage of the busi- 
ness of the Convention, in gaining their attention to a 
subject they had probably never heard of. He told 
them them that among men it was quite customary to 
confer honorary titles upon those who had distinguished 
themselves in any way ; and also upon some, who, as it 
seemed to him, had not distinguished themselves 
much. These honors were of three kinds : civil, mili- 
tary, and literary. The two first were mainly bestowed 
by the government ; the latter by Literary Institutions. 
Men considered it a high honor and gratification to 
receive these distinctions, and to be greeted as Gene- 
ral, Colonel, Captain, Honorable, Reverend, Doctor, 
Esquire, &c., and he could not doubt but it would be 
equally pleasant and useful to other animals. The 
only difficulty would be in discriminating the indivi- 
duals who were most deserving. He found, upon inquiry 
among men, that rulers and guardians of Literary 
Institutions dispensed these honors to four classes of 
persons : First, to those who deserved them very 
much by eminent services ; Secondly, to those who 
wanted them very much ; Thirdly, to those whose 
enmity was very much feared, or whose friendship was 



142 HISTORY or A ZOOLOGICAL 

very mucli desired ; and, FourtMy; to those wlio needed 
such honors very much to supply natural deficiencies. 
He had sometimes thought, from the great number of 
titles which he had met among men, that these four 
classes embraced about all of the community. But he 
trusted that other animals would be more discriminating 
in their selection. In conclusion, he said he hoped 
it would not be deemed improper for him to say, that 
should this plan be adopted, since he had proposed it, 
he should hope that among the four classes mentioned 
above, would be found somewhere the name of Equus 
Asinus. If the Convention felt any delicacy in discuss- 
ing his claims while he was present, he would gladly 
withdraw for a time. 

The Ass, supposing the Convention as deeply inter- 
ested as himself in the question, whether he should 
receive an honorary title, was hurrying away, when the 
Lion informed him that the members were too well 
acquainted with his great merits to need any discus- 
sion. The Convention, happening to be pleased with 
the Ass^s proposition, requested King Leo, after con- 
sulting with such counsel as he should choose, to con- 
fer a number of civil, military, and literary titles, 
according to the four rules that had been mentioned. 
Near the close of the session, the King^s Private Sec- 
retary, a graceful A^itelope from South Africa, presented 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 143 

the following official announcements. The document is 
so curiouS; that we give it in the original. 

BULLETIN CONFERRING CIVIL, MILITARY, AND 
LITERARY HONORS. 

Publice notum sit, ut ego Leo CXXV., Eex Ani- 
malium, cum Concilio Sociorum sapientium et eru- 
ditissimorum assentiente, et pro auctoritate natura 
mihi commissa, honores titulosque sequentes, civiles, 
militares, et literarios, cum privilegiis, dignitatibus, 
et laudibus omnibus, ad grados pertinentibus, per has 
literas creo, creatos renuntio, renunciatos proclamo : 
Videlicet; 

Pro ejus singulari merito, praesertim magnitudine, 
Balaena mysticetus, Armiger, (ille qui adest), sumat 
titulum Regis Oceani. 

Etiam Dominus Ursus Americanus, Didelphis gigan- 
tea, et Troglodytos Gorilla, eadem de causa, titulum 
Honoratissimi, recipiant. 

Pro eorum magno desiderio honoris militaris, Do- 
minus Simia nasalis, gradum Prsefecti; et ejus fratres 
omnes, Centurionis sumant. 

Quia ut carnifex tarn opportunus est, Squalus car- 
charias, Armiger, leventur ad gradum Nohilitatis. 

Quia eo tantum eget, Dominus Equus asinus gradu 
academico Legum Doctoris condecoretur 



144 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

Eadem causa, quaecunque animalia non sint caudis 
vel auribus instructa^ (si non in pugna singulari 
amissis,) recipiant (si volunt) gradum honorariuni 
Magistri in Artihus. 

Super haec, placuit nobis, Munus Armigeri proponere 
ad aliquae centum animalia^ quae honorem insignem 
cupiant. 

Quorum sint testimonio, Sigillum regium majus, 
et Nomen Regium subscriptum, die prime Augusti, 
anno DLXX, DCCCLXX, mundi animalis ; et quinto 
decimo regni mei, in Africa centrali. 

LEO— Eex. 

TRANSLATION. 

Be it known that I, Leo, tbe one bundred and twenty- 
fifth, King of the Animals, with the advice of wise and 
learned coadjutors, and by authority vested in me by 
nature, do by these presents create, and having created 
do announce, and having announced do make public the 
following titles and honors, with all the privileges, 
distinctions, and praises pertaining to the same : to 
wit; 

On account of his singular merits, especially his 
enormous size, Balsena mysticetus, Esq., (the Sperm 
Whale,) that individual who is present, may take the 
title of King of the Ocean. 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 145 

Also Mr. XJrsus Americanus, (the Black Bear,) Didel- 
pliis gigantea, (the Kangaroo,) and Troglodytes Grorilla, 
(the Engeena,) for the same reason may take the title 
of Most Honorable, 

On account of their great desire for military honor, 
Mr. Simla nasalis (the Proboscis Monkey,) may take 
the rank of Colonel of Cavalry, and all his brothers 
that of Captain of Infantry. 

Because he is so much wanted as an executioner, 
Squalus carcharias, Esq. (the White Shark,) may be 
raised to the rank of Nohility. 

Because he needs it so much, Mr. Equus asinus (the 
Ass,) may be honored by the academic degree of 
Doctor of LaiDS, 

For the same reason, whatsoever animals are not 
provided with tails or ears, (if they have not lost these 
appendages in duels,) may receive, if they wish, the 
honorary degree of Master of Arts. 

Besides these, it is our pleasure to offer to any one 
hundred animals, who may desire the distinguished 
honor, the Commission of Justice of the Peace. 

In testimony whereof, the great Eoyal Seal and the 
Boyal Name are hereunto annexed, on the first day of 
August, in the 570,870th year of the animal world, 
and the fifteenth of my reign, in Central Africa. 

LEO— the King. 
10 



146 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

The cheeringj squealing, and braying, witli wHcli 
tliese announcements were received, as they were succes- 
sively made, was tremendous. It was not before 
suspected that there were so many good Latin scholars 
in the Convention, and some even hinted that a large 
part of the Convention kept their eyes upon a few 
literary members, well known to be good linguists, and 
never applauded unless these took the lead. 

THE LEOPARD REPORTS RESOLUTIONS. 

As the sessions of the Convention were drawing to 
a close, a Committee, appointed early in the delibera- 
tions, came forward, and through their chairman, the 
Asiatic Leopard, reported the following resolutions. 

1. Resolved J that the grand secret by which animals 
have been enabled to preserve their health, their liberty, 
and their lives ; and their tribes from extinction, is the 
use of water only as a beverage. 

2. Resolved J that if men learn this secret, and practice 
this principle, it will be impossible to prevent their un- 
limited prosperity, and the consequent destruction of 
other animals. 

3. Hence, thirdly, resolved, that whatever animal by 
his precept or example, encourages the use of alcoholic 
drinks among any other animal except man, is justly 
chargeable with treason and suicide; and is to be con- 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 147 

sidered as having reduced himself to the level of man, 
and is henceforth fit only to be a slave of man. 

4. HencCj fourthly, resolvedj that this Convention do 
all in their power to promote the manufacture and the 
use of alcoholic drinks among men ; that the Horse, 
the Mule, and the Ox, for instance, when called to labor 
in the wine-press, the cider-mill, or the distillery, cheer- 
fully submit to the severest efforts, because they are 
taking the most effectual way to prevent the prosperity 
and increase of their great enemy and persecutor, man. 

5. Hence, fifthly, resolved, that the Cow be allowed 
to persevere in the use of distillers' slops, even at the 
expense of her own life and health, because, for every 
Cow that is thus sacrificed, a large number of our enemies 
will be cut down. 

6. Resolved J that we now pledge ourselves, by touch- 
ing noses, that we will entirely abstain from all beve- 
rages but water, — that we nauseate the poisonous weed 
called tobacco, — that we will discountenance their use 
by other animals, and that we will do all in our power 
to increase their use among man, as the surest means 
of their ruin, and the only hope of preventing them from 
gaining the entire control of the whole animal kingdom. 
For the same reason we will do all in our power to en- 
courage the war spirit and slavery among men. 



148 HISTORY or A ZOOLOGICAL 

THE RESOLUTIONS DISCUSSED. 

None of the Kesolutions occasioned much discussion 
except the last^ which was warmly agitated. The op- 
position to it was not confined to those animals which 
were in favor of the introduction of alcohol and nar- 
cotics among the lower animals. But some, who pro- 
fessed to be advocates of the most rigid temperance, 
strenuously opposed the adoption of pledges. Some 
of the grounds of this opposition may be learnt by the 
following abstracts of a few speeches. 

THE HOG OPPOSES THE PLEDGE. 

The Hog opposed the pledge on the ground that by 
nature he was omnivorous ; and therefore had a right to 
use temperately every kind of food and drink. Every 
creature of Grod, he maintained, was good, and to be 
received with thanksgiving, and no animal had a right 
to dictate to him what he should eat or drink. When 
asked by the Sheep, whether he deemed alcohol and 
tobacco so important for his health that he could not 
pledge himself against them for the public good, he 
replied that he would yield to no animal in his regard 
for temperance, and in benevolent feelings towards 
other animals. But there were certain inalienable 
rights which he would not give up. He was not fool 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 



149 



enough, for instance, to allow his fleece to be taken off 
yearly, as the sheep did. Those who had attempted it 
on him, had always got a good deal " more cry than 
wool.'' No one had any right to his fleece, nor to 
make any sumptuary laws to regulate his manner of 
living. 




THE ORANG OUTANG CANNOT PLEDGE HIMSELF. 

This animal said, that, contrary to his will, he had 
been made a prisoner by man, and he had found that 
his standing and comfort in human society, depended 
very much upon his conformity to the usages of civil- 
ized life. If, when admitted to the entertainments of 



150 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

distinguislied men, lie were to refuse to sip a glass of 
wine, with the governor of the feast, or his guests, 
especially the ladies, he would be cast out of decent 
society. The same would be the case if he refused 
snuff, or the cigar after dinner. It was thought 
especially rude to refuse the wine-cup at weddings ; and 
upon the whole, he had made up his mind to refuse the 
pledge, for these and more general reasons, which he 
had already urged. He did not believe that patriotism 
or benevolence required him to make such a sacrifice. 

THE CAT REFUSES. 

A large Cat inquired of the Convention, how, in his 
nightly depredations upon the granaries, dairy rooms, 
and pantries of the human species, he could always 
distinguish between articles containing, and articles 
destitute of alcohol. For it was said to exist in bread, 
and some housewives used it in preparing pies, custards, 
&c. Such a pledge, therefore, was totally unreasonable. 
But his strongest objection was of another kind. To 
ask him to take such a pledge, implied that he was in 
danger of becoming a sot, and that he could not take 
care of himself. He resented such an imputation. It 
was an impeachment of his honor to represent him as 
in any danger from this quarter. He knew what was 
best for him, and he would not submit his habits to 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 151 

the regulation of that Convention. He knew what his 
nature required better than they did. 

THE MULE WILL NOT SIGN AWAY HIS LIBERTY. 

The Mule said, that although his name among men 
was almost synonymous with a yielding disposition in 
everything reasonable, he could not give up this point. 
For to take this pledge would be to give up his liberty. 
And that was dearer to him than life. His race had 
suffered everything almost to secure the liberty to do 
as they pleased, and he would not be recreant to the 
boon transmitted to him by his noble progenitors, at 
the price of many a hard whipping. Many of them 
had proved martyrs under such treatment, and all his 
tribe had become so used to it, that this Convention 
need not suppose that any cudgeling or flagellation 
would overcome their repugnance to giving pledges 
how they would act. 

THE COW FROM NEW YORK RECANTS, AND OFFERS 
TO TAKE THE PLEDGE. 

The Cow from New York, who had signed the peti- 
tion for calling the Convention, and who had several 
times spoken in favor of introducing alcohol and the 
slops of distilleries among animals, came forward at 
this stage of the business and declared, that after lis- 
tening to the debates of that Convention, she had 



152 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

become convinced of her error^ and begged publicly to 
recant^ and pledge herself against alcohol. Since she 
had been absent at this Convention^ she had abstained^ 
through necessity, from alcohol in every form, and she 
had found her health already greatly improved. She 
was convinced that she had been totally deceived re- 
specting her condition, and had mistaken obesity for 
health. She wished to be among the foremost to take 
the pledge; and she rejoiced in the prospect of returning 
home, where she should lecture her companions, who 
were under a similar delusion 3 and it did seem to her 
that she could open their eyes to their true condition. 

THE BEAR FROM SUMATRA DESCRIBES HIS INTEM- 
PERATE HABITS. 

This recantation and profession of reformation by 
the Cow, were received by the Convention with shouts 
of applause. She was followed immediately by Ursus 
Malayanus, the Sumatran Bear, who declared that he 
was brought up in the family of the Grovernor of thai; 
island, and at his table was daily tempted with choice 
wines, and soon became uncontrollably attached to them, 
and at length a complete sot. In his drunken paroxysms 
he conducted so badly, that the Governor turned him 
adrift. After that he lived in the streets, and depended 
upon public charity for his bread. He learnt at length, 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 153 

that by frequenting taverns and groceries^ lie could 
find human sots ready to give him intoxicating drink 
enough to take away his reason and self-control; and 
in this state he would attack men and other animals, 
and get whipped and half murdered sometimes. He 
had himself committed several murders, and escaped 
condign punishment only by fleeing into other parts of 
the country, or going among his own kinsmen in the 
mountains. But they, seeing how degraded and quarrel- 
some he was, drove him away from their dens. His 
life had become a burthen to him. But hearing of 
this Convention, he made haste to attend it, in order 
to defend the use of alcohol. But not having drunk 
any since he left Sumatra, he found himself in a new 
world ; and now he was ready to sign the pledge as a 
reformed drunkard. 

This recital drew tears of joy and sympathy from the 
eyes of the Convention. The Cow, especially, was over- 
j oyed to find another animal who could sympathize with 
her, and involuntarily she and the Bear were seen to 
run towards each other, and for a long time to press 
their noses together and to lick each other with great 
fondness, the Convention meanwhile making the welkin 
resound with approving shouts. It is said, — though 
it may be mere scandal, — that the final result was, that 
the Cow never returned to America, but accompanied 



154 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

the Bear to Sumatra, where she was introduced to his 
relations as Mrs. Ursus. 

THE TAME ELEPHANT PLEADS POOR HEALTH AND 
THE PHYSICIAN'S PRESCKIPTION. 

The tame Elephant, emitting a strong odor of the 
Skunk, next stepped forward cautiously, and claimed 
protection against that filthy American animal, while he 
made a few remarks. A body guard having been as- 
signed him, he entered a strong protest against being 
required to take the pledge, on the ground that such 
was the state of his health that he had been compelled 
to use alcohol. He had been reduced so low, that he 
had been able to eat only a hundred pounds of grass 
and fifty pounds of roots per day ; and his master, fear- 
ing his death on such a scanty portion, sent for a hu- 
man physician, whose prescription was two gallons of 
brandy, or four gallons of wine per day ; and that re- 
medy had doubtless saved his life. He had been ex- 
tremely grateful to that benevolent gentleman for so 
delicious, and, at the same time, so sovereign a remedy : 
nor would he neglect such eminent advice, at the 
bidding of any convention on earth. Were he to omit 
this prescription, he did not doubt but the weakness 
of his stomach would return, as well as severe head- 
aches, nervousness, and general debility. He did not 



^ TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 155 

dare to be reduced again to so low a diet as lie had 
mentioned : nor did any benevolence require that one 
should love his neighbor better than himself. 

But he had another objection to signing the pledge. 
It was a vulgar affair^ and, although well enough for 
many of the ignoble races whom he saw in that Con- 
vention, and perhaps the only means of saving them 
from the excessive use of alcohol, yet he belonged to a 
race with royal blood in their veins, who needed no 
such silly ceremony as touching noses to prompt them 
to do their duty. He should never dare to lift up his 
trunk again among his fellows, were he to submit to 
such degradation. Others might do it in welcome, and 
perhaps when the Skunk presented himself for so loving 
a ceremony, they might be disposed to embrace him. 

The Elephant was proceeding in this strain, but his 
agitation threw out from his body so strong an odor 
of the Otto of Koses that the other animals supposed 
Mr. Mephitis had again come forward to resent the in- 
sult offered him, and they began to run away ; but the 
Lion's voice restored order, and he proceeded to state, 
that at the beginning of the sessions of the Convention, 
he had appointed a Groat, who had long been connected 
with a hydropathic establishment in Germany, to act 
as physician and surgeon ; and the case of the Elephant 
seemed to be one that demanded his attention. He 



156 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL 

would; therefore^ request Dr. Cajpra to prescribe for 
the Elephant. 

THE GOAT'S PRESCRIPTION. 

The Groat promptly replied^ that the case was a clear 
one. It was hydrophobia, and hydropathy was the 
remedy. This would tend to overcome the patient^ s 
terrible repugnance to water, and aid in removing that 
insufferable odor which had been so annoying to the 
Convention, though it would need a great many ablu-. 
tions to complete the purification. If the patient 
should object to this hydropathic treatment, his advice 
was, that Mr. Mephitis be again let loose upon him. 

As this last sentence was uttered, the Elephant 
sprang as if he were shot, and bolted out of the Con- 
vention. But the Whale was too quick for him ; and 
ere he got out of the way he was most thoroughly 
drenched. It happened also that he went directly past 
the burrow of Mr. Mephitis, who had just time to 
empty upon him another phial of the Otto of Hoses ; 
so that he went off, not only with flying colors, but 
with flying odors. 

THE DOG BRINGS THE MATTER TO A CLOSE. 

Many of the animals attempted to reply to these 
several objections; but the Dog^s speech was most to 




c5 



K 
E-: 



TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 159 

the pointy and ended the doings of the Convention. 
He said he had been greatly surprised that such ob- 
jections to taking a pledge against the use of virulent 
poisons, were urged by any animals except man. They 
were exactly the same sort as he had often heard in 
human Temperance Conventions which he had often 
attended. And it did not surprise him^ to hear a race so 
selfish, so wanting in patriotism as man, boldly avow 
such contemptible motives of conduct. But among other 
animals, confessedly so much superior to man in self- 
denial and sacrifice for the public good, they were 
brought out now with a very bad grace. And they 
led him greatly to fear that unless such sentiments 
were promptly frowned upon by the Convention, ani- 
mals might soon be reduced as low as man on the scale of 
patriotism and benevolence. He therefore moved as an 
amendment of the last resolve, that from the time the 
animals who take the pledge begin to touch noses, one 
half hour be allowed to those who do not, to get the 
start as much as they can on their way home : but if 
overtaken, they will be left to the mercy of those who 
come up with them. 

This amendment was no sooner made than it was 
carried, as well a-s the original resolve, by the accla- 
mations of an overwhelming majority. At once the 
animals began to range themselves by hundreds in 



160 ZOOLOGICAL TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 

opposing lines^ in order to take the pledge; while 
the rest were seen instantly straining their muscles 
to the utmost, in their attempts to get out of the 
way. The scene among those who took the pledge 
proved a very touching one^ for so long had they been 
together in the Convention, that it was hard to part : 
and not only did they touch noses, but continued for a 
long time to lick and embrace each other; and it will 
relieve the sympathies of the reader, to know that the 
unpledged animals got fairly out of the way of the 
others : and all, both pledged and unpledged, finally 
reached their homes in safety, and spent many a long 
night in detailing to their constituents, the marvellous 
story of the ^^ World's Zoological Convention.'^ 



THE END. 





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